Is Dating A Man With A Child Worth it?

18 Apr Is Dating A Man With A Child Worth it?

Posted at 04:30h in Sex & Relationships by
As I sat with my closest girlfriends on our routine girls’ night out (GNO) one Saturday evening, the suspense at the table didn’t go unnoticed. Prior to our meeting, I had mentioned that I had some news to share. As the words tumbled from my mouth, all three gave me ‘the look’.
“He has what?” one girlfriend asked.
“As in a product of him?” she added dryly.
“Yes,” I answered ,sheepishly.
I knew exactly what they were thinking, as I spoke about my newfound love interest, and him bussing the file that he had a kid. Wasn’t I the same person who vowed to never date a man with a child? Alas, I admit, those were my exact words, but those words were also spoken by a much younger and not so much wiser version of myself. I have learnt through maturity and life’s little lessons, that limiting yourself or options because of the checklist of the perfect man or ideal relationship you have etched in your mind doesn’t actually prove to be realistic.
But while it isn’t the ideal situation for some women, is dating a guy with a child really all that bad? It doesn’t have to be, of course. It very well depends on the man, and how serious he is about getting into a committed relationship. But getting to know him is what matters, right?
When my guy mentioned that he had a child, I admit that the fear factor did set in. You know… the one involving the mother. Yes the other woman; the ex who will always be present in both of your lives. So I had to ask myself. Was this really worth getting into? Was he really worth it? There are other men who are single, childless and worth getting to know. Eh… I was up for the challenge, and decided to give it shot.
Obviously, there are several issues to deal with when someone has a child. Will he put you first? Do you think you’ll get jealous when you have to share him, and can’t throw a tantrum because you’ll ‘look bad’ for being jealous of a child? Will your plans get rescheduled at the last minute, because something came up with the child or because of a situation with the other parent? Will you have to deal with the ‘chile mother’?
Can your significant other manage any possible drama? What about keeping two women happy? You know… trying to pacify the mother so his relationship with his child isn’t affected, and keeping his ‘woman’ comfortable. And let’s be real, what about feeling secure about your relationship when you see him with her and their child, looking like a happy family unit?
Having to deal with the ‘chile mudda’ may not be one’s cup of tea, but this is one of the things you may have to do while you’re dating your guy. Having only exchanged brief, common courtesies via phone with my guy’s ex, I can say that it is necessary for you to be cordial in this situation, because you’ll be interacting with her child as well. In my case, we haven’t really had any tension thus far. All women aren’t the same and not every ex will bring drama or real ‘tote’ because of her ‘child fadda’s’ present relationship. These women, however, do happen to be a minority.
Fact is… there are many people out there who have a child with their ex. It is a reality that single people have to face. Coming to terms with it depends on what the single (and childless) individual is willing to accept, all in the name of love and finding ‘the one’.
Based on my experience, I’ll say that being open minded to a situation like this can be rewarding. You could actually find a great person who shares common interests, goals and views with you.
My guy possesses the main characteristics I usually go for, smart, sensitive, ambitious etc. I also get to witness the type of dad he really is, and he handles his role and responsibilities as a father well. He is absolutely in love with his child, and that makes him even more attractive to me. Seeing a man love and care for his child genuinely is a beautiful thing. Bear in mind that dating someone with a child would initially lead to you meeting the child or children, and having to build a relationship with them, not to mention gaining their trust as well.
Now it may seem rather funny, but I’ll admit that I was highly nervous the first time I met my guy’s child. Of course, I was also nervous that my guy would analyse me. Hell yes! But I wasn’t trying to overly impress him. I was more nervous about meeting his child.
Would the kid like me? Would I be accepted? Somehow I felt I had to impress the kid. I remember thinking, “Please don’t cry if I hold your hand”. Receiving the biggest smile was my ice breaker. It was done. Sealed. The kid was smitten… okay… not totally. Still, it was a great relief to have taken that step. See… another thing with dating someone who has a child is this… something even more special is added to the relationship, as the guy would have to trust you to take such a big step in introducing you to his prized possession, and it’s often a good sign that he takes you seriously.
Seeing a man with a child does give an inclination of the type of father he makes, and females – me included – tend to look for that particular quality when choosing our mates. Possessing the ideal qualities is what would make the final deal in him becoming a potential husband. So does this make a man with a child more marriage worthy? Does having a child mean that he is even more ready for long-term commitment, even with the extra baggage? He just might be. While, on my end, there is no talk of running down an aisle anytime soon, as the relationship progresses, who knows what may happen.
While we look for stability in relationships, dating someone who has a child shouldn’t pose a threat. It’s all about building that relationship on the basics, as you would any other, with love, trust, understanding, and commitment, among other things. Naturally, there would be hiccups; when disagreements occurred between the exes, this stressed out my guy, which in turn affected us, but we worked it out. In this type of relationship, things can also become even more complicated than they already are, so communication is key.
There will be many challenges and the occasional stress factors involved, but if he’s really worth getting to know… why not take a chance at something different? Like I said, many more single people have children now, and, while some people have strict rules about wanting someone, who may be like them, single and childless, dating a single parent isn’t akin to the plague. All you need to do is take a deep breath, and make sure you can handle all the other variables that come along with this relationship.

As I sat with my closest girlfriends on our routine girls’ night out (GNO) one Saturday evening, the suspense at the table didn’t go unnoticed. Prior to our meeting, I had mentioned that I had some news to share. As the words tumbled from my mouth, all three gave me ‘the look’.

“He has what?” one girlfriend asked.

“As in a product of him?” she added dryly.

“Yes,” I answered, sheepishly.

I knew exactly what they were thinking, as I spoke about my newfound love interest, and him bussing the file that he had a kid. Wasn’t I the same person who vowed to never date a man with a child? Alas, I admit, those were my exact words, but those words were also spoken by a much younger and not so much wiser version of myself. I have learnt through maturity and life’s little lessons, that limiting yourself or options because of the checklist of the perfect man or ideal relationship you have etched in your mind doesn’t actually prove to be realistic.

 

“Getting to know him is what matters, right?”

But while it isn’t the ideal situation for some women, is dating a guy with a child really all that bad? It doesn’t have to be, of course. It very well depends on the man, and how serious he is about getting into a committed relationship. But getting to know him is what matters, right?

When my guy mentioned that he had a child, I admit that the fear factor did set in. You know… the one involving the mother. Yes the other woman; the ex who will always be present in both of your lives. So I had to ask myself. Was this really worth getting into? Was he really worth it? There are other men who are single, childless and worth getting to know. Eh… I was up for the challenge, and decided to give it shot.

Obviously, there are several issues to deal with when someone has a child. Will he put you first? Do you think you’ll get jealous when you have to share him, and can’t throw a tantrum because you’ll ‘look bad’ for being jealous of a child? Will your plans get rescheduled at the last minute, because something came up with the child or because of a situation with the other parent? Will you have to deal with the ‘chile mother’?

 

“Can your significant other manage any possible drama?”

Can your significant other manage any possible drama? What about keeping two women happy? You know… trying to pacify the mother so his relationship with his child isn’t affected, and keeping his ‘woman’ comfortable. And let’s be real, what about feeling secure about your relationship when you see him with her and their child, looking like a happy family unit?

Having to deal with the ‘chile mudda’ may not be one’s cup of tea, but this is one of the things you may have to do while you’re dating your guy. Having only exchanged brief, common courtesies via phone with my guy’s ex, I can say that it is necessary for you to be cordial in this situation, because you’ll be interacting with her child as well. In my case, we haven’t really had any tension thus far. All women aren’t the same and not every ex will bring drama or real ‘tote’ because of her ‘child fadda’s’ present relationship. These women, however, do happen to be a minority.

Fact is… there are many people out there who have a child with their ex. It is a reality that single people have to face. Coming to terms with it depends on what the single (and childless) individual is willing to accept, all in the name of love and finding ‘the one’.

Based on my experience, I’ll say that being open minded to a situation like this can be rewarding. You could actually find a great person who shares common interests, goals and views with you.

My guy possesses the main characteristics I usually go for, smart, sensitive, ambitious etc. I also get to witness the type of dad he really is, and he handles his role and responsibilities as a father well. He is absolutely in love with his child, and that makes him even more attractive to me. Seeing a man love and care for his child genuinely is a beautiful thing. Bear in mind that dating someone with a child would initially lead to you meeting the child or children, and having to build a relationship with them, not to mention gaining their trust as well.

Now it may seem rather funny, but I’ll admit that I was highly nervous the first time I met my guy’s child. Of course, I was also nervous that my guy would analyse me. Hell yes! But I wasn’t trying to overly impress him. I was more nervous about meeting his child.

 

“Would the kid like me? Would I be accepted?“

Would the kid like me? Would I be accepted? Somehow I felt I had to impress the kid. I remember thinking, “Please don’t cry if I hold your hand”. Receiving the biggest smile was my ice breaker. It was done. Sealed. The kid was smitten… okay… not totally. Still, it was a great relief to have taken that step. See… another thing with dating someone who has a child is this… something even more special is added to the relationship, as the guy would have to trust you to take such a big step in introducing you to his prized possession, and it’s often a good sign that he takes you seriously.

Seeing a man with a child does give an inclination of the type of father he makes, and females – me included – tend to look for that particular quality when choosing our mates. Possessing the ideal qualities is what would make the final deal in him becoming a potential husband. So does this make a man with a child more marriage worthy? Does having a child mean that he is even more ready for long-term commitment, even with the extra baggage? He just might be. While, on my end, there is no talk of running down an aisle anytime soon, as the relationship progresses, who knows what may happen.

While we look for stability in relationships, dating someone who has a child shouldn’t pose a threat. It’s all about building that relationship on the basics, as you would any other, with love, trust, understanding, and commitment, among other things. Naturally, there would be hiccups; when disagreements occurred between the exes, this stressed out my guy, which in turn affected us, but we worked it out. In this type of relationship, things can also become even more complicated than they already are, so communication is key.

There will be many challenges and the occasional stress factors involved, but if he’s really worth getting to know… why not take a chance at something different? Like I said, many more single people have children now, and, while some people have strict rules about wanting someone, who may be like them, single and childless, dating a single parent isn’t akin to the plague. All you need to do is take a deep breath, and make sure you can handle all the other variables that come along with this relationship.

 

Check out the rest of this week’s issue (18/04/11; Issue 53):

Look out for a new issue of Outlish.com every Monday!

 

About Jolisa Brewster
Jolisa Brewster is a south girl, who is still adapting to her adopted town life. She loves to talk as much as much as she loves to write, and is currently pursuing a degree in media and communications. She also happens to be an avid foodie. When she isn't talking her family to death, you can find her eating her way around Trinidad and writing about it. She is learning to not take life too seriously and plan so much. God does laugh! Especially at her.

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43 Comments
  • Elle
    Posted at 10:59h, 01 August Reply

    I really enjoyed reading this, I started seeing a guy with an 18 mo daughter about a month ago… I knew him and his baby’s mom back when they were dating pre-baby. Baby’s mom left them to go back to her life of leisure. Super sad situation.

    As for daddy and baby, I have loved every minute I’ve spent with them. SO many articles or blogs online say avoid dating someone with children, its not worth the drama. Even my guy said that he can’t understand why I am OK with the baby situation, that so many girls are not… I just don’t understand how you can’t be! Seems like a lot of women are jealous of their partners kids.. seriously? How can you be jealous of the attention a father gives their children? I love watching him with baby girl… and I love even more when she smiles at me or reaches for me. I feel like I’m getting an awesome guy and the little girl is just an amazing bonus that comes with him.

    • tee
      Posted at 00:22h, 22 August Reply

      Elle that is incredibly sweet and inspiring. Im currently interested in a guy and we are stuck on a plataeu because of his child that i would one day meet. The kid doesn’t live with him at the moment because of military assignments but its right around the corner. Im so stuck on what to do, because i know i will always be second. If i had children I’m sure it will be easier.

      • george
        Posted at 10:55h, 14 February Reply

        you are not going to come second, you will have a totally different position.

    • gina
      Posted at 15:19h, 30 March Reply

      @ Elle
      Your boyfriend’s baby momma sounds immature. The reality is that Nothing is really stopping her from one day coming back to claim her baby girl and creating more drama in your lives because she feels angry and jealous.
      Do you have to participate in changing pampers and feeding the baby and all the many needs of this baby?
      Also if you get attached to this baby and one day the relationship ends for whatever reason, you won’t see her again because you’re not her mother and therefore don’t have any rights to her.
      There’s a lot to think about

    • moon
      Posted at 14:38h, 07 January Reply

      you don’t have the baby mama around. most women do. of course kids want a mother….that’s why you’ve having an easier time than most. geez…wake up. your his go to babysitter? lol. you’re just a doormat with zero commitment from the father.

      this situation rarely works out….even when the kids are older (especially daughters) they always see the girlfriend/step mom as competition.

    • brenda
      Posted at 04:20h, 28 October Reply

      awesome and very true

  • Courtney
    Posted at 11:11h, 04 December Reply

    I’ve been dating this great boy for about four months. He told me he has a daughter, who is just a few months old a few weeks before we started dating, since him and I started out as only friends. The only difference is, we’re still teenagers. Yes, I am a sixteen year old girl, dating an eighteen year old boy who has a daughter that is about seven months old.. My boyfriend is a great guy, and I very respectable father who is very much so present in his daughters life, but I’m not sure if I can really do it/:
    I have had contact with the babies mother, and she HATES me! She has expressed her feelings towards her child’s father to me, and she is still in love with him. Kinda needless to say why she hates me/: I’m not sure if I’m comfortable in this relationship/:

    • Madametrue
      Posted at 15:08h, 30 March Reply

      RUN little girl RUN as fast as you can before you get sucked in like a fool!!!!!!

  • Dana
    Posted at 00:12h, 19 September Reply

    I loved reading this. I’ve been seeing this 20 year old guy who has a 3 year old son for a couple months now & this described my situation perfectly. I was SO nervous the first time I met his child, but everything went well & I get along with him nicely 🙂 Though he & his ex are civil towards each other, she has made it clear that she doesn’t quite approve of me since I’m 18 years old. I’m not bitter towards her; I just thought about how I’d feel if I was in her situation. But the point is that I’m more than willing to accept the fact that he has a son, though some of my friends, family, & I’m sure others who don’t know the whole story, may not like it. They can think I’m nuts; It honestly doesn’t make much difference to me. What it comes down to is whether he’s a great guy or not… & he definitely is. He’s a great father as well as an amazing boyfriend. My advice to anyone who’s considering dating a man with a child is to not totally rule them out, but know the whole situation before you get yourself into it. They might just surprise you 🙂

    • Anne
      Posted at 16:24h, 30 March Reply

      I think you’re still too young to tie yourself down to a man who already has so much responsibility in his life. The baby momma is already expressing dislike for you. Who knows what other things you’ll have to deal with down the road. At your age your suposed to be meeting different boys and learning about yourself. You didn’t get knocked up, you don’t have to be taking care of a baby. Enjoy your life and treat yourself the way you’d want your future children to treat themselves.

    • Rachel
      Posted at 21:30h, 18 February Reply

      Hi,I have been dating a guy for 6 months.I have met his officially once already.He said she is not ready for someone in their space right now.I have been super nice to him.He comes home that is how we spend time together.Other times he is at work everything else is spent with his 10year old daughter.
      Any advice

      • Dawn
        Posted at 21:33h, 18 February Reply

        Rachel, my advice is dump him while you can. It will get much worse. He won’t respect you and won’t take you out on dates. You deserve better.

  • No Security
    Posted at 02:28h, 06 October Reply

    As a childless woman, I am having a hard time accepting that my boyfriend has a child (in terms of our long term future). It’s difficult to have two (mother & child) people outside of our relationship who will ALWAYS have a large say in our future. This takes away from the security I feel in my relationship because I will always have someone greater than me in my own relationship.

  • DanielR
    Posted at 15:31h, 02 February Reply

    the older you get, the less “men without children” you will find; and you’ll find also that less and less “men WITH children” would even consider a relationship with you; so, grow up and accept the reality of our times; for a 25 y.o. it may be ok, but once you are over 35 you have no excuse for rejecting men just because they have kids

    • Guest
      Posted at 19:44h, 28 May Reply

      “No excuse for rejecting men just because they have kids”.

      Sure you do. The same way that single father might reject a woman too skinny, too short, too fat, without blonde hair, bad teeth, etc…….

      It’s called preferences. And, we all have them.

    • Mel
      Posted at 16:37h, 30 March Reply

      @disqus_Uzv9PSTIJT:disqus
      I don’t know what you’re talking about.
      There’s plenty of men in their 20s and 30s without children.
      You’re one of them selfish fools who wants to hook in a dummy of a woman with low self esteem who think she can’t meet single men without kids. I see thru you fool. You don’t want a single mom yourself because you don’t want her baggage, but you’re here trying to convince the sisters to take your baggage, go take care of your kids, etc. Sweet aint it? New for you, women aint that dumb no more.

      • DanielR
        Posted at 07:43h, 31 March Reply

        for you the kids are like some sort of disease….
        wow sistaa, you’re such a catch 🙂

        • Kiki
          Posted at 05:23h, 24 November Reply

          there are men of ALL AGES without kids. No childfree woman should settle for a man with kid(s).

    • moon
      Posted at 14:41h, 07 January Reply

      oh, bull. there are lots of professional men out there with kids older than 16….or none at all. all the women that spout what you’re spouting are single mothers, lol.

  • Jay
    Posted at 05:46h, 28 February Reply

    I agree..you always feel like he has a greater friend and you’ll never take that place. Hurts even more if he’s the best man you’ve ever had a relationship with. I just feel insecure and out of place.

  • Sara tayeb
    Posted at 13:44h, 20 June Reply

    I just started seeing this guy who has a 2 year old son, I was very very hurt at the start, all i could think of was the mother of his son, I adore him, and his son, but the mother just makes me feel so small lol .. but i guess its a decision you have to make yourself, whether he is such a great person, that its worth withstanding everything, and for me, am willing to just love him, care for him and his son like my own , and really, be the best girlfriend i can be. as for the mom, ill do her justice, for his sake. and i also think if he really loves you, he would make you feel on top of the world, and that the mother has no say in your relationship , he told me the only bond he has with her is their son, and maybe into the future if u got married and all and had your own kids, you will have the upper hand, stay strong <3

    • lady
      Posted at 16:43h, 30 March Reply

      “but the mother makes me feel so small lol”
      I’ve noticed that the women who put up with this kind of situation might suffer from a bit of low selfesteem as compared to other ladies who go after a man without so much baggage.

  • Guest
    Posted at 02:03h, 30 June Reply

    Yes, I agree with the person who talks about preference… Just like we make our decisions to date someone based on looks, gender, financial status, education, etc., dating someone with a child is another category. I dated a guy with a kid even though I always pictured my happy family– husband, wife, kids, pets; I’ve just always wanted what my parents have.
    Yet I’m one of the people who says “don’t knock it, until you try it”. And unfortunately, it was just like I thought– something that I didn’t want in my life even though the guy was WONDERFUL! The experience just allowed me to see what I do and don’t want in my life, and I don’t think that makes me selfish or immature at all.
    If he makes you happy and you can accept his child then great, be with him! But if you can’t, then leave– because you, him, and the child deserves to be happy.

    • Celeste
      Posted at 10:46h, 04 May Reply

      I’m curious, what ended the relationship?

  • Alden
    Posted at 17:34h, 10 September Reply

    I’ve been dating this wonderful man for three months now, and while everything about him is amazing and all I’ve ever wanted-he has two young boys. The problem for me isn’t the boys, it’s the ex wife. The boys love me and snuggle me while watching movies and we all just have a great time. Only when the ex is brought in (which is pretty much every day or every other day) is when it gets to me. I’ve tried to hold in my petty, immature jealously issues but eventually he can tell and then asks what’s wrong. Well then I tell him. And when I say it out loud it sounds so insecure and ridiculous…and then of course his comments back don;t really help because he’s kind of had enough with this roller coaster of “my mood.” He’s in his boys life and does everything for them, and I do admire that, and that’s not necessarily my issue, it’s just the fact that I can;t get past that he has TWO women in his life. Not just me but two. It’s hard being around them at football practices because it’s their kids…and she makes sure to let me know by little comments and slick moves that honestly-only us women can understand and that guys don’t see. I want to be ok with this situation so bad because I want to stay in his life and the boys life, but I don’t want to keep having these outbursts when we are all together. Oh and BTW, I’m recently divorced myself, but with no children and definitely want children someday. (which he says he would have a child with me, so that’s good, right?) Can anyone please give me suggestions or recommendations on how I can approach this situation with confidence and not be so jealous of their relationship? Please before this ship sinks!!

  • Jackie
    Posted at 11:44h, 01 March Reply

    Dating men with children has consistently proven to me that its full of pitfalls and really significant challenges. This is what women need to ask themselves if they are willing to put up with: 1. Are you willing to be second (or last) because the “ex” will always be in the picture somewhere and the kids (as they should be) should come first. 2. Spontaneity (like going out of town for the weekend) or out during the week is not likely to happen if he’s taking care of his responsibilities as a dad with his kids. 3. Expect to be competing for his attention, time and money. And if your guy uses his kids as an excuse for why he cant give you the time you deserve, shut and lock that door and run the other direction.

    • moon
      Posted at 14:43h, 07 January Reply

      a lot of women like being doormats I’ve noticed…the ones in their 20s and 30s. my next door neighbor has two small children….and he has a woman in her 30s living with him on the nights and weekends he doesn’t have his kids, lmao.

  • Dawn
    Posted at 18:00h, 18 January Reply

    This whole idea that women should have to settle is utter bs. There are all kinds of men without kids. Women without kids would be crazy to settle unless they love coming after the kids and ex, would love babysitting the kids and spending money. In many states the stepparents often have to support the kids and there are cases where the new spouse had to pay child support and alimony to the ex because the parent lost their job. Many single dads are very bitter and either look at the new woman as a punching bag (hopefully not literally)or a cash cow. There is nothing positive about a childless woman dating a single dad.

  • Star
    Posted at 12:47h, 12 May Reply

    Do you think it is appropriate for him to see his kids at her house? Or join them on her family gatherings?

  • Brooke
    Posted at 15:24h, 08 June Reply

    Before dating a man with kids ALWAYS ask him if he has dated women with kids before. IF he never has dated a woman with kids and he has a kid RUN! This means he thinks he Is superior and his child is too. There are many men with kids that seek out childless women because it’s easier for them. You want someon in your life who loves you and not because he doesn’t want to make sacrifices in a relationship. They might start out attentive because they know you are a good catch but then when they think they have you the selfishness sets in. Plus if he has dated a woman with kids most likely he isn’t selfish and he will understand how you feel when his kid has to come first and he will treat you better because he knows how hard it can be on the flip side. Trust me that one question every time reveals the true character.

  • wiser
    Posted at 04:09h, 26 August Reply

    For a woman dating a man with a kid it depends with what do you want from that relationship,if he gives you attention,is always there for you makes you laugh,he treats you as the only woman in his life,gives you priority during decision making,supports you financially,he is a good guy worth to invest in,just agree on terms of conditions of dealing with his ex,as for me the ex is not to visit my house,or any family occasions,and in case there is an occasion that warrants her to be there like her son’s activities i wont attend that function,he is free to talk to her on phone and finally about property and money we have agreed on what her son takes and the rest is for mine and my kids.the agreement is also about time

  • C
    Posted at 00:32h, 18 October Reply

    I am dating a guy with a daughter and I do not come first. He puts her to bed usually right before 11 and then goes to bed himself leaving me up to do whatever. He only has her on the weekends but it is very stressful because I do not agree with how he raises her. Help!!

  • Jo
    Posted at 05:10h, 05 November Reply

    It’s constant stress, courtdates, guilt trips and another woman calling your man alllll the time! If you want to have your own children and get married good luck getting him on board after the mess he has to deal with from child support and divorce. I tried to break up after 2 and a half years but I’m still with him because I do love him. It’s all about her all the time because she’s the one with the child. Mostly horrible with a few fun and sweet moments with the child.

  • CS25
    Posted at 19:30h, 15 January Reply

    I am a 39-year-old, never-married woman dating a divorced man with one 8-year-old son. I always refused to date men with children and only made this exception because the guy I’m dating is someone I’ve known since childhood and liked but the timing had never quite worked out. I’m not sure whether this will work out for us or not, but for those considering it, I will honestly say that all of the things that made me stay away from these situations have proven completely valid. Even if he has the best of intentions and he is a good guy, you will make a ton of sacrifices in order to make things work, and you may often feel like you’re not really in a relationship if you’re been cautious about meeting the kid too soon (we are). And though I’ve never thought much about income when dating, I will tell you that a regular job is not enough if there are kids and you want there to be extra money for going out. I can honestly say I will not do it again.

    • Dawn
      Posted at 16:23h, 17 January Reply

      CS25, you are completely correct. The fact of the matter is you will end up supporting the kids. Maybe not directly but you will have less money to pay your bills.

  • Breaking Point
    Posted at 10:28h, 25 March Reply

    I have read numerous articles and comments about beinging in a relationship with dads when you are child free and this is my 1st time in this situation and I can tell you that I have never felt so insignificant exhausted with a relationship in my life! I googled it because I always felt uneasy thinking about the future. Its a shame because from day 1 our bond have been AMAZING! In 2 years we have been on numerous trips together, talks about marriage and starting a family, buying another home, trips with the kids. We both have great careers so our plans are attainable. But the anxiety and the realization that I am and will be forever last to his 2 young girls and bm hurts in a way that only women that’s in this situation can understand. And to know that I am the one really sacrificing to make this work gives me knots in my stomach! My needs, wants and feelings are always last and when I hear his bm call and demand things and literally see him scramble to make them happen, while telling me that I have to wait cuts deep. I’m now filled with so much resentment that I feel that there is nothing left to do but break up. He always says he wants to make this work but the reality is both him and I don’t know how to. He doesn’t know how to balance me with his kids and I don’t know how to accept not 1st or at least 2nd. There is always something or someone before me amd I’m use to it just being me and my guy. And he doesn’t understand how Or why I feel like Im last! And the thing is, he’s perfect. He’s my best friend, ambitious, smart, educated, a protector ….but not my provider…He’s theirs. He makes sure they are ok and then he tells me he’ll see what he could do for me. And really I love the kids and they love me(even tho we had a hiccup when the mother briefly tried to turn them against me) but after 2 years of this I can honestly say that I did not plan my life with a career and wait to have children to be last place in someone’s life. Im attractive…just turned 30, come from a loving family and have been independent since 21. I KNOW I’m a good catch! And God knows I love this man and I so dearly wish circumstances would have been different. But whether I find someone else with a bond this deep or not, I’d rather be single and living my life, happily making all my goals come true than to be miserable, last place and feeling insignificant in someone’s pre-made life! Thats not love…Love is 2 people compromising, not 1 person sacrificing. And when you’re building a life together, it should be just that. Not adding you into a pre made plans. Lord give me strength to end this asap!

    • Andrea
      Posted at 23:17h, 29 April Reply

      Doll, I absolutely understand what you’re going through because I’ve been going through a similar situation for the past 3 years. I am now 24 but met my boyfriend when I was 21, he was 31 at the time, big age difference I know. Funny thing is when we first began dating the “talking stage” he never mentioned he had children, till about 2 months later! I seriously had no clue, there were no hints of any children on his IG or FB (otherwise I am confident we wouldn’t have dated). I mean to begin with I swore I would never have children, I can appreciate kids I just don’t have the patience or time for them. Anyways and to my surprise he admitted he had 8 year old son and 10 year old daughter, now 11 and 13. I was completely freaked out by this, I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and had known my current boyfriend well former coworker for about a year, I wasn’t sure what my next move would be. He was super sweet and such a gentleman, just the way he is now a total sweetheart. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity of finally having found someone who accepted me for who am, so I just went with it.

      Well to make a long story short, we just celebrated our third anniversary this year; and along with his bipolar and nut of a baby’s mom (I am not making this up, she was really diagnosed with a bipolar disorder), the chaos that comes with pre teens and teenagers, we’ve been managing ok. However as I am getting ready to transfer, and begin my career, I have noticed we tend to argue more and our sex life is practically non existent. Not to mention as his daughter has gotten older she has begun to seek his attention more , which is expected and something I totally understand and respect (not mention her backtalk and antics are also getting worse when he doesn’t give her attention). However his current living and job situation doesn’t make things easier. Financially I know he has not been doing to well, has moved back home, is currently looking for another job and is considering going back to school. I mean to be honest this whole relationship is beginning to feel overwhelming. Although I love him to death I know in the long run our future will suffer financially, I don’t want to be 30 living at my boyfriends mom house along with his kids.

      As far as moving in together, that is something we have talked about and want but doubt will ever happen. I’ve come to care for his children but the chaos that comes with raising teens especially when their not yours can be somewhat stressful and overwhelming. I know what I have to do, but it’s truly heartbreaking because I love him so much. I really want to make this work and I have no doubt he does too, I mean the guy asked me to marry him once I graduated cause he knows marriage is just not something i’m looking for now but I know the outcome.

      Well i’m sorry I went on a rant but I just want to let you know that you’re not alone. It’s horrible to feel guilty and selfish for wanting your mans unconditional love and attention especially when you know his little seeds will always be first. But something I have learned over these past couple months is that sometimes it’s okay to put yourself first, you’re not being selfish! Yeah maybe a shouldn’t have dated a man with kids, but I did and I’ve learned and now I just have to move.

      Good luck love, good luck in life! I’m sure slowly but surly things will work out (that’s what I have to keep reminding myself)

    • jm
      Posted at 08:45h, 07 June Reply

      Andrea,

      I just wanted to let you know that I saw your post and I too am 24 years old.I can relate to you so much. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and couldn’t love him more if I tried. He has a 9 year old daughter who I get on with really well and love her as a friend, but I’m not ready to be a “stepmother” figure. She has a biological mother (who has custody exactly 50% of the time; 2 days in the week and every other weekend), so I don’t feel I NEED to get too close to her. I’m her friend, full stop.

      I moved to Southern France to live with my boyfriend a year ago as we did long distance for 2 years before deciding we couldn’t be apart any more. Him moving to London wasn’t an option because of his daughter, so I made the sacrifice. I took French lessons and searched for jobs in my field (marketing) and luckily landed myself a good job in Marketing here… though I took a huge salary cut in comparison to what I earned in London.

      Now a year on, I love him but I miss my friends and family in the UK. I also sometimes feel resentment towards his daughter, for example when we can’t go away for the weekend because it’s our weekend with her.. or when I put lots of effort into cooking a lovely home made meal for dinner after a long day at work and she hates it because it has vegetables, or when we are relaxing watching TV on the sofa and she sits right in the middle of us.

      These are all things that any child would do and are completely innocent & harmless, but being 24 years old I feel constant resentment that I have to put up with this stuff at my age. I want to feel like I come first. Don’t get me wrong, my boyfriend is so caring and does SO many things for me in other ways, but I feel so lost and don’t know what to do. I have a huge job opportunity in London which was totally unplanned and I don’t know whether to accept it or not. I love him and part of me questions whether I should be more understanding. Everyone comes with baggage, right? He’s a great dad and does everything he can to make me feel included – he wants to go on holiday for 2 weeks just the two of us in August.. but I constantly worry about my future. Especially financially.

      Will I have to pay for her when she gets older? What if something awful happens to my boyfriend? Would all of his assets go to her and I’d be left alone in the south of France with nothing?

      It’s a constant battle. I would be SO heartbroken to leave him, so to me, that says I should stay with him. Why put myself through misery of breaking up with him when we both love each other? But then the other part of me says I should move on and find someone who doesn’t have this baggage. But if I don’t ever, I will always regret

      • YL27
        Posted at 05:25h, 27 June Reply

        You’ve aired part of my fears as I’m dating a separated man with two small sons. I love him. He’s great. But I hate being second to anyone and in this situation I’m third and sometimes forth, when his ex acts up. I thought I was horrible for feeling this way but I’m happy others share my guilt. I’m now, just like you torn between staying with a great guy and trying to make this work as painful as it threatens to be or leave him in hopes of meeting someone without his baggage… tough.

  • Grace
    Posted at 16:44h, 17 June Reply

    I started seeing a guy a month ago who has 5 month old baby but the thing is that. This week he JUST moved out of the apartment that he and his ex shared. He is really involved in the child’s life which in turn means that he is also around the woman who he ACTUALLY CALLS “baby momma” which makes me SO uncomfortable because my brothers call their WIVES baby momma. I understand completely, and he has told me, that his child is his world. But he also pays for EVERYTHING for his ex and his child. He was paying rent, he gives her hundreds of dollars every month not just for the baby to live off of but for HER to live off of and I understand that they accidentally got pregnant and had a kid but I don’t understand how someone can be okay with having their significant other basically taking care of not JUST their child. But their ex as well.
    I don’t know if it makes me look immature for being upset and put off by this situation? But when he told me he wouldn’t change a thing, that he would go back and do it again… I can’t handle that. I want to raise my own little family with my man. I don’t want to have our family and then he has his little side family.
    How do I cope with this? It’s so upsetting.

    • A.S
      Posted at 13:51h, 18 June Reply

      Sorry to burst your bubble but it seems like he still has a strong bond with his baby’s mom. A word of advice from a woman who is 24 yrs and has been dating a man with 3 kids for about 3 years, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! Sounds like this is a fairly new relationship and I hate to break it to you but raising a baby takes significant work and if you don’t have any children yourself it will feel overwhelming at times. My boyfriend has 2 kids an 11 and 13 year old and although he and the kids mom broke it off 10 years ago they still maintain in constant contact because of the kids. He also has to provide her with a monthly check since they share joint custody of the children. I myself despise this woman knowing she put my significant other through the ring but have to deal with the fact the have to communicate and interact on a daily basis because of their kids.

      It is definitely a frustrating situation at times and know that if you decide to further your relationship with this man you will eventually have to play a role in raising that child as well. And at times you might even have to pitch in for expenses as well as deal with tantrums and baby mama drama…that’s FOR SURE! Don’t mean to be so negative but really analyze your life a year from now and determine if this is a lifestyle you really want to pursue and get yourself involved in. Also take into account that with the child being fairly young these parents will most likely will be in constant contact; that means that any carefully planned and thought out day trips, vacations, date nights, lunch date and a big chunk of his check (not that I am saying you are interested in sole that) will go out the window, when daddy duties call.

      Best of luck,

      A.S

  • YL27
    Posted at 05:52h, 27 June Reply

    I am currently dating a man who has just separated from his wife. They have two sons, 5 & 3. I dated him 7 years ago when I was 20 but we had to break up because of distance. 2 years after breaking up, we reconnected and I found out he was married and had a son with a second on the way. Since I’ve always felt I can’t date a man with kids, I put off a relationship with him although his marriage was in shambles at the time. He had a fight with his wife that led to a separation and now they’re getting divorced. One thing led to another and he’s managed to fight his way back into my heart and the and the sex even better than I imagined. He’s always loved me immensely and now that we are together, he is showing me just how much I mean to him. On several occasions, I’ve had mood swings because his of his ex calling or texting him but he’s still patient enough to reassure me. I worry about my future with him and how he will manage a family with me against that with his ex because of cultural differences. I also can’t help but get annoyed that he has 2 sons by a woman he doesn’t love but will forever be in our lives. Their relationship is bonded by the boys forever.My best friend thinks I can do better but my mum thinks he is a great guy and if I leave, I may not find someone who will love me as much. Now I don’t know whether to stay and be a stepmum (which I fear I will be bad at and not really something I want to be) or leave in hopes of meeting a great guy who will give me the opportunity to have many “firsts” with.

  • Crystal
    Posted at 15:19h, 30 December Reply

    I’ve been dealing with a guy for a few months now and he has a 4 month old soon to be 5 months. me and him started off as a “fling” of the sorts and eventually it became more like communication texting and sharing of things it’s been a slow process he always reminds me of the bike nd the relationship him and his baby mother don’t have shes actually dating another female. he has told me when me and him weren’t speaking the he slept with her. I still think a part of feels hurt by the mother nd can’t believe she doesn’t want Anyhig to do with him she doesn’t even want the kid to spend nights with him. he is trying his hardest to be in his daughter life so badly and it’s like shes putti restrictions. I know it hurts him alot but for whatever reason we are still dealing he wants to take us more seriously and has brought to my attention that he wants more from our relationship he eventually wants to make me his and he wants to get a a promise ring etc. we had a little argument and he was saying he isn’t in a good mood he stayed on the phone with me not talking. I don’t want him to use me to get over someone else. and I don’t want to get hurt in the process. I think the best thing is to give space and let him sort everything out I always reminds him I am there for him but I think I have to put me first and realize that this is a sensitive situation. but knowing this I want to be with him he hasn’t shown me the daughter yet but I would like to assume that’s the next thing eventually.. he’s talked about having kids in the future once I’m done with school he wants another he saids I would make a wonderful wife and mother one day. I just want to be there for him… he recently wasn’t in the best of the moods so I told him just talk to me when he deals with Everything how he deals with it and we can come back and talk when he is ready.. his response was “okay thank you” with the kiss face emoji. I left it as that what more can I do ? Or say ?

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