28 Feb Over 30. Still single. No prospects. Is something wrong with you?
Being single in your 30s isn’t akin to having the plague. So I don’t get why some people, especially you married people, treat single women as lepers (insert up and down look of disgust and wrinkled nose here; I’d add the huffy sweeping of skirts, but that might be overkill).
There is nothing wrong with me; rather, there just happens to be a lack of options and I’m unwilling to cave into people’s ideals.
Since I broached this topic to friends a few weeks ago, there’s been a mini barrage of articles explaining why some women aren’t married. It’s all pop, psychobabble for the most part, but there are a few points that did force me to ponder further. One article in particular holds that single women are ‘lying, superficial, selfish, bitchy sluts’ and that’s why we haven’t found a man yet. Ironically, the piece was written by a thrice-divorced, 41-year-old woman – who’s ahem, still single it seems. It goes to show you that being in a relationship – or three – obviously doesn’t make a happy home.
Normally, men aren’t the focus of these types of articles, but men also haven’t gone unscathed. Another article claimed that men who aren’t husbands or fathers are “pre adults”, straddling the limbo of childhood and adulthood, and thus they are shallow, immature beings, who should also be blamed for the plight of single women. Ah yes… they found a way to bring it back to why women are still single.
As much as I don’t mind a little male bashing here and there, and will admit that there are some ‘questionable’ men (and women) out there, I have to ask, why are single people under such scrutiny? More importantly, why is it implied that we are somehow inadequate if we can’t ‘hook’ someone?
“It takes work, and it takes meeting good and bad guys in order to find someone who’s compatible.”
Ladies, if you’re like me – single in your late 20s and 30s, heck even older, and you’re hoping to find a good, quality man for the right reasons, then don’t listen to anyone who’s telling you it’s time to find someone and settle down, or that something is wrong with you. There isn’t anything wrong with you.
I’ve been asked repeatedly and even most recently a few days ago, why I haven’t found someone to settle down with. Like finding a decent, respectful, caring, honest, ambitious man who’s not apt to jump every tart he sees is easy street. There’s no outlet where I can shop and get the perfect man to suit my personality. It takes work, and it takes meeting good and bad guys in order to find someone who’s compatible.
One of the reasons why I’m still single is because I’m restless to the point of worry for some. I’ve lived both in the US and UK, and, in both experiences, it’s the same basic story. There are lots of really decent men out there, but they aren’t the right fit for me or vice versa. I’ve also been too busy having a great time travelling, and generally experiencing what life has to offer and that daunts some men it seems.
Another reason is that I’m not willing to settle for some random fella just to be considered a worthy member of ‘normal’ society. I’d rather stay single and strive for personal happiness than be trapped in a relationship with a man whom I don’t like or respect. What’s wrong with being single and happy, or at least making honest efforts to achieve personal happiness? It’s not as though I want to be alone for the rest of my life, or that I think one can’t achieve personal happiness while in a relationship. I honestly want a good guy to share my life with, but it has to be for the long haul, and not just a few years.
There are different types of men out there obviously, but I tend to come across certain types often. There’s the overeager, passive-aggressive guy who’s secretly bitter and ends up annoying me instead of interesting me. This is when I automatically put that kind of guy in the friendship boat. They get shipped off to Friendship Island, where we all have a superficial laugh every now and then.
“I wonder… Or who sees us as daring and confident for not settling along the way?”
Then there’s the sensitive subject of religion. Men, whose religious views border on fanaticism, are the type I’m also most wary of. I have no problem with other religions, but I draw the line when I’m boldly told that my spiritual belief is wrong. They get corralled into the crazy pen for quarantine – to ensure no cross contamination occurs.
There’s also the deeper, spiritual reason. I am really not ready because I feel as though I have much to work on. I also feel as though I haven’t achieved my personal best just yet, and, ideally, one would want to offer up his or her best self in a relationship. The last thing I want to do is place the reason for my happiness on another person. This is where I feel most people confuse being happy in a relationship, and believing they’re happy because they are in a relationship.
Finding a partner who’s supportive, and who’s motivated to go after his goals is also an issue. This isn’t about pointing fingers or making men feel bad, but I want a man who’s willing to let me pursue my career and dream path, just as I would support him in his goals.
This, according to Miss Thrice-Divorced, is being selfish. If selfish means actively seeking ways to improve our professional and personal stations, then sure, I’m selfish (insert rolled eyes and set jaw here). It’s a total Goldilocks’ syndrome for some, because we’re either not good enough or too good enough. Where are the guys who can appreciate the ‘just right’?
There are also the married men or men with girlfriends who present a problem, since there are some who apparently like having their cake and other slices on the side. This is an easy one for me. I ignore them and their so-called advances. I’m one of those old-fashioned women who believe that a married man is off limits, no matter what kind of sad-eye, puppy-dog face he fakes when he complains that his wife doesn’t love him.
The opinions regarding a woman’s singleness are boundless, and I wonder who else views single women over 30 as objects of pity? Or who sees us as daring and confident for not settling along the way?
It’s time for this ‘single means you’re pathetic’ attitude to cease, and it’s time to shut some people up. Marriage or a steady boyfriend (or girlfriend) is no guarantee for happiness. There are so many unhappy people who rather drown in a relationship than fight it out alone. So why all the fuss about us singles, when they seem to be tethered to a sinking ship? There are also many truly happy couples who have maintained their individual identities, and that’s the ideal we should give credence to. So stay single and happy if that’s where you are in life, because eventually someone will come along. If he (or she) doesn’t, well then, that’s just a risk in life we all have to be willing to take.
Twitter •
observer
Posted at 06:29h, 28 Februarythat you might actually be single because you’re crazy, difficult to get along with, set unreasonably high standards for your partner, have low self esteem etc. etc. etc.
Yeah sure you might be super special and just haven’t met the right person.
But in terms of probabilities, someone who is in their 30s and single for a loooong time/ can’t keep a partner usually has issues.
Because the fact is, none of us are that special or different from everyone else. And if we are so very different from the rest of society? It means we’re some kind of crazy.
Think about it.
Alexandra_
Posted at 23:10h, 14 JuneThis bothers me though. “But in terms of probabilities, someone who is in their 30s and single for a loooong time/ can’t keep a partner usually has issues.
Because the fact is, none of us are that special or different from everyone else. And if we are so very different from the rest of society? It means we’re some kind of crazy.”
There are crazy people who are married, and there are crazy people who are in relationships. This is implying that if you’re married or in a relationship, then you’re not crazy (or as crazy) as your single counterpart.
There are LOTS of ‘crazy’, insecure people in relationships. Trust me.
Bastet
Posted at 22:29h, 23 FebruaryI’d add here, that I’m yet to meet a person, male or female, single, in a relationship, de-facto or married who is 100% without any issues, or in other words, an enlightened saint-like being.
Larissa
Posted at 22:03h, 28 JanuaryWTF! Being single in your 30s (and for however long is irrelevant) does NOT mean they have issues. Women who are desperate to get married, enter and stay in terrible relationships just for the sake of not being single have issues.
FlamingMassLiberal
Posted at 13:11h, 04 MayThis post is absolutely correct. If you’re single and over 30, the problem is YOU, not everyone else no matter how much you try in vain to justify not being in a relationship.
Think about it: If your family, friends, co-workers, the person you chatted with at the store recently all question why your single, then what’s the common denominator?
You.
When I meet people over 30 who are single, red flags go up instantly. It’s not difficult to figure out the “why” either:
– They are financial train wrecks looking to be kept.
– Completely insecure and shallow.
– Priorities in life are wrong. If you don’t put any effort into dating, you will be single.
– If your ideal mate makes Superman or Wonder Woman look below average, your expectations are excessively high.
In 99.9% of cases, you will have to settle for what you can get or, God forbid, compromise. I know that’s a death knell for most singles, but it’s true.
You can’t have it all. You won’t have it all. If you still think you can you will remain single for the rest of your menial little life.
Jay
Posted at 10:31h, 29 SeptemberThis is the craziest thing I’ve ever read! I’m 32, own a business,travel the world and I’m attractive. I would say I have my shit together. I have made a great life for myself but I am also a simple woman who understand the next person may not be so well put together, so compromise is a must. Maybe its the women/men you are attracted too who have made you feel this way about 30 year old singles. Why am I single? I have no clue why. But I can say that I’m not approached by men at all! Men just don’t do that kind of thing when you hit 30. In my 20’s men were much more manly. LOL
Liv
Posted at 11:08h, 31 MayHaving it all to some of us includes not getting married or being in a serious relationship… I was married, to someone I thought was the one, and it was abusive… never again will I get married… no matter how wonderful the next person is. I refuse.. marriage does not make someone happy, does not guarantee you will not die alone, does not really mean you are committed or that you will work out and be loved… people who buy into this are fools… love isn’t about not being alone or not being lonely.. love isn’t about not dying alone or just getting married… if that is what people think love and relationships are, some way to validate themselves to make sure everyone can see “how alright they are” then they do not and never will understand true love. Grow up and get bent.
Jem Harper
Posted at 09:42h, 14 JulyEven if you do find yourself a relationship that doesnt mean it will be forever. People cheat, die or change. So to think having a relationship will define your life or who you are is just a fairy tale. To believe something is wrong with a person because they are single is silly. For every woman there is a man. Its being able to connect with that person walking the planet geographically. We are not living in the Victorian era where you must be paired by a certain age and with one person forever.
Mo
Posted at 13:05h, 08 MarchThey do it because you are 30 and have about 6 to maybe 7 yrs left to start having kids… Ok yes I said it and women are going to do the ugh disgust snob turn their nose up in the air but fact is fact they do it because the clock is TICKING tick tock tick tock!!!!!! Get over YOURSELVES IT’S NOT JUST ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Get over it women you are not MEN and it’s a pure and simple fact of LIFE men can be bachelors longer and women have the clock to start having kids. Science is not going to change much at all so you can keep delaying to start the family… It’s rare and not going to change where women can have healthy kids in their 40’s just not safe. Yes there are few and far between that are simply lucky yes it’s pure luck that the few and far between women that do have the kids in their 40’s and the babies end up healthy but your odds are so against you once you get past 36, 37, 38 yrs old. Women quit your bitc*h*ng and whining about how you want to be this bachelorette!!! It is what it is DEAL!!!!
Mo
Posted at 13:28h, 08 MarchI also think it irritates the he** out of men and parents when these days women get pissed about the word “settle”… Parents and men are not saying to just settle for any guy but you can’t have soooo high standards that all you do is constantly say no no no no no no no no no to every single guy. Then give him like 2 min on a first date and before he can get to like his 3rd question to ask you, you get up, throw your temper tantrum, put your nose up in the air, cry and bitch to the bathroom to call your GF and whine to her and your like nope not giving him any chance…. For eff sakes he didn’t have any time, gasp he was nervous and didn’t have the perfect conversation… It takes time to get to know someone not like 3 min and everyone yes both men and women are going to be nervous until you hang with each other and get to know each other. Yes there are times that you can feel the vibe that it’s just not right but more than other times you have to give him chance’s (usually more than one date). If men reversed the roles and did the disgust thing, gave her like 2 min and got up and ran out all hell would break loose with women bitching and complaining. But anyways parents and men are not saying to just go pick any guy but you have to lower your standards (geeze were not obviously saying lower all your standards) (women quit it with your balking, and so dramatics) parents and men are just saying you have to lower your standards to a certain point where you give men a chance!!!
jj
Posted at 00:58h, 09 MarchWho the hell do you people think YOU are. Just because a woman is single doesn’t mean she is a nasty person. Have you ever considered the fact that maybe she is too busy with her own professional life or life that she hasn’t found the right person?! Also, there’s nothing wrong with looking for your ideal mate just bc she won’t “settle” doesn’t make her a nasty person. Also its arrogant and retarded that so many people think women want kids. Not everyone wants kids so stop assuming that just bc you want them that everyone else does! And maybe she’s run across so many herks such as the nasty people on this board that she is pretty disgusted by the whole “ideal” socially acceptable label of happiness comes if you are married. Better to be picky and choose the right one from the start than pick one that you “settled” for and end up getting a divorce later. Also, why don’t you married people focus on your own damn lives instead of trying to nit pick on a single persons life?! Leave us single people alone! If you are unhappy with your boring and mundane married life why not try looking at your own pathetic lives and go scrutinize what’s “wrong” with you. Bye!
Nameisname
Posted at 14:41h, 26 MarchAccordingly, I found out tonight that I must fall into the “passive-aggressive guy who’s secretly bitter… annoying instead of interesting…” category. Gotta love the superficiality of relegating someone (perhaps myself) to a self-construed classification after a two second conversation, indeed… Beyond this bitterness which you have become focused on pointing out, however, we may have walked an extensive path just as you, and we may be in the same situation as yourself of not being content with settling down with the next random person everyone suggest we should.
May be we are not happy with being content (or at least may be I’m not happy with being content). I want exceptional…
Slowly, however, as I have traveled through the years, I have come to the ever prevalent conclusion that exceptional is relegated to fairy tales and the proverbial “chick flick.” I do understand that settling is a difficult reality which has become easy to reject. Nevertheless, I have grown tired of being so alone with all this meaningless nothing which I have accumulated, and all for what? The reality of this life seems to be that as time keeps going, the wear of being alone becomes ever more prevalent… I am just tired…
Who would’ve thought?
E
Posted at 17:58h, 04 AprilJust because won’t she wont “settle” doesn’t make her a nasty person. Oh course that won’t make her a nasty person but what makes them nasty is these women with their rotten attitudes when they hear the word “settle” and for a lot of these women instead of listening to the constructive criticism they get all defensive, get all pissy and bitchy. Parents and friends are not saying at all to just drop every single thing and go pick up some strange guy and just get married but they are saying to women with these huge enormous lists/”requirements” that can go on and on that they must loosen up and loosen their “requirements”. So many women take the criticism and think well shit it’s either black or white if their parents or friends say losen up their requirements she thinks that must mean she has to go to the complete opposite spectrum and get rid of all her requirements. It’s like all or none. They aren’t saying that but they are saying you have to slid into the middle and instead of thinking he must meet 100% of the requirements (which will never happen)(keep dreaming), you have to go to like 40, 50 to maybe 70% of your requirements.
Flower
Posted at 17:12h, 29 JanuaryI think the huge problem of being 30 and single is because two reasons;
1) you are overweight and unnatractive and you can’t recognize that you need to do something for yourself. C’mon Women!! work out, dress better, get sexier, get motivated and you will get guys around you… then you will choose the right one.
2) you are good looking, good professional career, sexy, outgoing, intelligent, have a good job, etc., well.. there’s a different situation. You have dated so many guys that break your heart because you were always the pretty and popular in college. You dated all the football team and your friends always said that you will get married first. You went to college thinking that you will find a rich guy and get married by 25 yrs old. Now, you just turn 30 and you realized nothing of that happened… you have a badass job but you are the only single in the office. All married women see you a threat and they think you will sleep with their man.
well, the second situation is my situation… I hate that people always judge single women as sluts. The reason why I’m single is because I dated so many jerks that break my heart and I got tired of that… All my friends including the overweight ones are married. I’m the only one who has a masters and who has a good job… but I’m the single one…
I don’t know what to do??…
Mook
Posted at 02:45h, 20 MayRe flower: OK for once listen to a man’s perspective: It’s such a simple solution in a lot of men’s minds and that is the next time a guy is standing next to you (that guy that seems quit at that time) effin talk to him (simply say hi and something…) (don’t dismiss him) those are the “guys” right under your effin NOSE. Yes he might seem a tad gun shy right at that moment but for your info and a lot of other single women (more times than none those “guys” the so called “nice guys” or the he seemed to you that he was “quiet” are EXACTLY what the EFF you are LOOKING for) those men you keep saying NO to, they have their SH*T together, make good money, have JOBS and to the EFFIN CONTRARY ARE NOT BORING (in fact once you wise up and quit saying NO to THEM they in fact are much much more fun then those “D-Bags, JERKS “)!! Those D-Bags, JERKS (the unemployed always wanna be “rock star” “deadbeat” “looser” are constantly the same ol same ol and usually can’t afford to do sh*t like go to concerts, travel etc. cause they are poor “deadbeats” D-Bags, JERKS)!! Those D-Bags, JERKS NEVER EVER CHANGE, they are the most BORING MUNDANE HEART BREAKERS. Those D-Bags, JERKS are just like an old record needle that get’s stuck and plays over and over and over. But the next time your in a bar look around and find that guy that is waiting for his friend, friends or with his friend, friends and if his friends goes to the bathroom and he’s alone say EFFIN SOMETHING. Those guys the always say “HEY BABY” blah blah blah the “hey baby” is an effin clue that he’s a D-Bag only wanting into your pants and also those D-Bags, JERKS always talk the same BS, those D-Bags, Jerks conversations are so BORING and so repetitive.
OR another example if he’s by himself say at his neighborhood bar and grill, It doesn’t mean at all that he has no friends (don’t you ever go to the bar, grill, restaurant by yourself to just get some food when your friends are all busy or can’t meet up?) (Your friends aren’t always going to be available to hang with you just whenever you want especially after college) (your friends after college have their own lives, serious boyfriends, girlfriends, married, kids, jobs and aren’t always available as they were in college) anyways, his friends for all you know live in another part of the city, his friends are busy and can’t meet up that night blah blah blah and at the same time it shows that he at least has the balls to cruise on over to the bar and grill by himself grab a burger, beer, sit at the bar, watch the game on tv. Doesn’t at all mean he’s shy or quiet… Maybe he had a busy day and is just chillin. But my point is those are the type of men that you will want and once you get to know them they are cool as SH*T, are a HE** of a lot more exciting and have a he** of a lot more interests then those D-Bags/JERKS. A lot of men find it funny how those D-Bags/Jerks usually have only one or maybe two interests and are soooo BORING, like example the wanna be rock star (he typically hangs at home, screws around on his guitar all day, thinks he’s the next big sh*t and that’s basically all they do) they don’t have any substance to talk about and sure as he** can’t carry on an educated conversation.
luke
Posted at 11:37h, 20 Septemberwow, dude, you sound angry and bitter. you could have made your point without losing your shit over it.
Roxy
Posted at 17:54h, 29 OctoberIm 24 and single. And yes I have those friends that are getting married or engaged. Its a trend now. It seems as though if you aren’t married or hitched people assume that your either A.) a slut who sleeps around, B) weird and strange or C.) too career -driven. I genuinely feel bad for us singles because everything in the world was made for two people. Like you go out expecting to meet like-minded singles but all you see are people holding hands or just people whom are pregnant, so it does suck to see that especially if your a single girl. Also, it does frustrate me seeing people who aren’t even good-looking or don’t take care of themselves with somebody. Like I’m not cocky or anything- but I’m pretty, smart, and I know what I want-so why am I still single?? Like its hard to connect with people, and sometimes guys say they want a career driven women, but they always end up with a total bum or someone who happens to have an ok body and end up settling. I just recently found out that one of my ex’s just got married, so it does put alot of pressure on me to find someone to marry. However, I don’t want to particularly marry just anyone. I want to marry the right person who is ambitious and knows what he wants, but that also isn’t afraid to ride trucks, go to sporting events, and outgoing. I know it can be hard to be single, especially in a world so relationship based. After all, we are all social beings and we have desires that can’t be ignored. It’s even harder when you get older. My mother will be turning 52 this year and she is single. It must be very devastating for her especially since guys her age are looking for young women. Its also getting harder the dating scene, like people are becoming more and more fake, and its really hard to trust just anyone. That’s why I go to church on sundays and am hoping I could meet someone who actually has values and dignity. But whichever way it goes, I always say this its better to be single with good intentions than to taken and miserable and unhappy.
HWA
Posted at 10:42h, 07 MayHey Roxy, are you still single?
ikram
Posted at 20:07h, 10 DecemberI could have written this myself 🙁
hiddentreasure
Posted at 01:46h, 13 Januaryi really liked the article. it goes straight to the point and say the true without fear. however, i have asked myself if our standards are been way too high. in the other hands, I’ve realized there’s no point or is not worthy to let our standards down. When I found myself thinking “what’s wrong with me” single never married….it happened that I’ve met men who are singe DIVORCED looking for the “love of their life”. Even divorced 2 even 3 times. Then, when they ask or make a comment such as ” I don’t understand why you are still single and you are a wonderful person, you are beautiful..,” It make me think and ask to myself…what is it worse? single never married up to now, or single divorced 1, 2, or 3 times?? can they ask the same questions to themselves? Now, regarding the comments some men have made here…why so much anger within you when talking about the comments the single woman made in here? are you also single? divorce? have anyone rejected you? If that’s your anger…then what part you don’t understand? why are you single? can you just relate to the single women who have met guys and been hurt by them…therefore, decided to keep working on meeting the “right” man?
Essa
Posted at 03:23h, 08 MarchHaving settled in a previous relationship just hoping the guy would marry me, in vain, I stayed with him for five years. Now I’m single bc this man suddenly at 38 doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.
This article is absolutely right. You can be totally unhappy in a relationship, even more so than being single if its the wrong relationship. I was willing to settle and I got burned for it, settling is not worth it. We women let men get away with too much, simply bc we are unwilling to take our power over our own happiness back into our hands and leave our happiness up to the whims and immaturity of men. Society places too much pressure on both males and females to commit to relationships they may not be ready for.
Namelessgal
Posted at 08:12h, 07 JanuaryOk so I know this is a really old thread but I stumbled on it and wow. Just wow. There is a lotnofmhate going on in the comments section, it’s like a train wreck, I just couldn’t resist to see what was coming next. Listen people, sometimes you just don’t meet the right person when you want or expect to, but that doesn’t mean people (men as well as women) are wrong to feel bad about it. I AMA 36 yo single woman, I have a successful career, I’m told by my friends that I’m attractive and I get asked all the time “why are you still single?” – well, it’s simple: I haven’t met a man who I could spend the rest of my life with, at the RIGHT TIME. I’m not in a hurry to have children, and I think having children is secondary to finding someone who is on the same page as me. I give men at least 2-3 dates to decide if I like them or not and I have only a few very simple criteria: employed, not living with his parents, non smoker. But i also have a fourth: that im attracted to him- and attraction has very little to do with physical appearance. sure i can appreciate a good-looking man, but that has nothing to do with whether or not i can bear to share my bed or my day to day life with him. Am I frustrated by the fact that I’m the last single woman amongst my friends? Hell yes. Do I find it hard to stay positive about still being single? You bet. Do I get upset when people tell me I’m being too picky? Of course I do. Do I get annoyed that men assume I just want to find someone to have kids with and they write me off before giving me a chance? You bet.
But you know, me being single and holding out for something that I believe is achievable (because I’ve had it before) doesn’t make me a bad person. Nor does it make the man I loved a bad person for breaking up with me years ago because at the age of 32 I wasn’t ready to have children on his timeline (I wanted him to give me 2-3 years, he wanted me to start immediately at just 10 months into our relationship and just as my career was starting to take off)
Being single also doesn’t make my life meaningless either. I like my life, I am happy most of the time, I would like to share it with someone but I also want someone to meet me halfway. Choosing to stay single until I find the person who wants me as much as I want them is not selfish, or shallow, or stupid. It’s smart. Because we all know what the divorce rates are.
And if that happens during my childbearing years and we decide to opt for children then great. If it doesn’t happen until I’m 45, or 55 or 60 then so be it. At least I will be able to say I lived s fulfilling life doing what I wanted in the presence of wonderful family and friends.
Men as well as women, need to drop the generalisations, stop categorising people into buckets based on your faulty and incomplete assessment of the world- because of all the factors that impede your success in finding someone, that has to be the biggest one. Just live your life!
stonebrook
Posted at 14:13h, 13 JulyWanted to add a few things I have discovered over time
(of course keep in mind nothing works for all situations )
Be brutally honest with yourself as to what you want in a relationship
If you want a husband be honest.
If you dont want a husband be honest
Dont feel pressured by our new society that says wanting marriage etc is old fashioned and noone wants that anymore so you have to go with the flow and
accept the scraps of relationships being offered by those that would toy with your heart and feelings
Be prepared for a bit of pain and loneliness at times, It will hurt there may be lots of tears but it will hurt a heck of a lot less than staying in the bad relationship
( As a divorcee I know what I am saying)
DO NOT RUSH into sex. This is wisdom not prudeness. Waiting truly sifts out people who are serious from those who aren’t . remember sex does not necessarily make men feel closer in relationships that is a woman thing.
Yes I know it is 2014 but I GUARANTEE you. Keep the physical relationship to very little for about 6 months in a relationship and you will get to see true aspects of an individuals personality
When we get physical early even when the warning bells go off to personality traits you don’t like. You are just happy for the company and the exhilarating feelings of physical touch you are not processing the ( this man is really a jerk warning signs) or you tell yourself I know he is not compatible but I am fine with friends with benefits. If you don’t have feelings friends with benefits will work but
few of us fall into that category
Learn to like your own company at times and again embrace loneliness and times of solitude. They can be periods of rest, self discovery and renewal
Get someone aligned with your values – it will make a difference.
When you play a game of scrabble you have to agree to rules you will abide by
The framework you will use to deal with conflict. Will you use the dictionary, how much time to make a word? Are you allowing names of places?
In the same way in a relationship having someone with same spiritual values applies. When hard time hit…… and they will you need someone who is going to remember the agreed on rules and work within that framework to resolve it.
If you are going by your faith values and he is going by I’ll have 6 drinks and determine how to deal with this – there will be issues. Remember because a person’s parents were a certain religion DOES NOT mean that person is applying said principles to their own life.
As women we generally are better at compromising
In some things compromise makes living easier if it is not a life or death situation
giving in avoids continued arguing or stalemate or lets you move on. I will bend to another persons wishes if it is not something I strongly oppose it could be a movie choice, restaurant choice etc
In any relationship compromise has to be a part of the package. Compromise is not necessarily weakness it is a part of the give and take of life.
However, I think when dating we need to be true to ourselves and not compromise on those things that we REALLY want.
For example if you are hoping to find a relationship that leads to marriage dont say you want to casually date in the hope that you will meet someone who wants
casual dating too but will be so taken by the wonderful person that you are that they will miraculously decide they want to marry.
You may think oh I am compromising but what you are doing is really putting your desires aside in the hope things will “work out”
It begins an uneven relationship you keep hoping and compromising and giving OF YOURSELF , so he will see how wonderful you are and he keeps getting more and more of you without committing to anything more than a good time ( please note this does not have to be a physical relationship) this could just be your precious time being spent with someone biding their time with you.
I have seen countless persons myself included spending too much time with someone who has not plan to make a future with them invest time energy money
attachment for years to be left feeling empty. You are a couple years older need to heal from the pain and deal again with the awkwardness of getting back into the dating game and you feel robbed of time and youth wasted.
Mind you not to say we dont learn from the relationships and that you did not have great times but perhaps less time invested there could have left you available to meet someone who may want the same things you have and have the same relationship goals
Go out there date meet people but be upfront about your long term goals for a relationship. This will drive away the users
Mike
Posted at 12:49h, 06 NovemberI stumbled upon this thread and found the comments pretty amusing, I happen to be a 33 year old guy and single because it’s a personal preference, all my mates have families and/or children and I get repeatedly you need to find yourself someone and settle down! I ask why? I’m happy as I am, I’ve been single for 15 months now I had some really bad luck in life in and out of relationships, the key to why people are single is simple it’s not about having high standards or having self issues its all about individuality and thus should take people on face value not if they’re in a relationship or not, I do still look in my early 20s and don’t worry about finding someone. Either I will or won’t my main concern is staying happy in life, why settle for something you don’t want? I could go out and get into a relationship tomorrow if I want but why burden myself with all that crap that comes with it? I’m free to do as I like when I like and that’s what I like, just remember if we werent supposed to be unique individuals then we’d all be told what to do when to do it and who with, we’d all look same and have exactly the same partners and do the same things, be different and do what you want to do and be happy doing it.
Bob
Posted at 05:18h, 08 JanuaryYou’re spot on most all the way except the biggest fear is spending years on a relationship for it to all go down the drain and end up feeling it was a waste of time. I’m over 30 and single, and totally okay with it. For a truly spiritual man this life is between him and the creator, his God, and a woman is only a optional side quest with plenty of benefits if worked out properly. With a lot of communication.
James Smith
Posted at 12:48h, 05 MarchCrazy
Kindred
Posted at 18:42h, 23 JanuaryNameless gal. I could have written word for word what you wrote. That is exactly my situation as well.
I can’t believe the negativity on this forum.
I am 36, not married or had kids.
No matter how attractive you are or even if you have your shit together. Sometimes it just boils down to the fact that you have not met the right person yet.
The people who are negative on this forum seem like the insecure ones to me.
James Smith
Posted at 12:47h, 05 MarchSingle women over 30, there are only a few options, wierd (fascinated with serial murderers) sluts (need many men), ugly, crazy, severely handicap, retarded. Other types such as career or single mom fall under previous categories, weird, sluts, or crazy. I am a man in my mid 30’s working on my career and self to provide a good life for my future mate, I have found the most overall attractive women are between 20-28. Many 20 year old women are ok with 35 year old men, it doesn’t go the other way. This fact combined with men’s competetive nature for finding women, and the ability for older men to provide resources most younger men can’t provide, the good ones get picked up fast, and disappear from normal single view. So what’s left over at 30? Those are for the guy who’s over 55. You got it? Show me an attractive straight non A-sexual women over 30 in the US, your going to have an easier time finding a leprechaun.
TheTruth
Posted at 11:08h, 02 MayWith so many women that have their Careers today which is a very Excellent Reason why they are still Single.
Questionmark
Posted at 23:36h, 27 Julyor maybe you’re severely in the closet. I’m a guy and that’s been my problem all these years. High school, college, 20s, early 30s and beyond– no girlfriend. All my family members keep saying, “One day when you find a wife and have babies.” Believe me that is such a close parallel reality it brings me to tears. But it ain’t so. I’m attracted to the hot guys at the office and my choices are to be a sinner or be celibate. I’m selfish and have a great need to keep my life neat and clean, so I go on celibate. Let the old folks keep their fantasy of that parallel reality.