Wotless and Wack this Carnival? Not Cute

28 Feb Wotless and Wack this Carnival? Not Cute

Let’s face it. We’re ready to climax. Carnival is here. And with all the excitement that’s in the air, trust that we’re going to see all forms of debauchery, and you, yes you, might find yourself caught in it.

The word ‘wotless’ will begin to take on all sorts of new, and smh (shaking my head), meanings. While the man in a purple, blue and green, wig, who’s wining on all fours, with a lady wining on his head and bamcee will draw some stares and amusement, there are other scenarios that will have very bitter outcomes for some. So here are some guidelines, and types of effery to avoid this Carnival, especially if you know you is a drinka, and alcohol will screw up your normal, sensible thinking.

(I dealt with this topic before, but I know that probably went through one eye, and out the other, since then, because is Carnival and nobody eh studyin’ lil ol’ me. So consider this Part 2.)

Start fight and get beat up

Dis one is especially for the fellas. Yuh done know yuh have a chicken chest, but nooooo… de Johnnie in yuh head tell you is a good idea to go and oppose de buff, gangsta-looking man for stepping on yuh toe. Doh play yuh opposin’ nobody and den yuh get beat up nah. Please!

Ladies, if you know your hairdresser used a cheap glue, don’t get into fight to get your weave or wig pulled off. Oh, and for the prissy girls, don’t get in a fight with a town ting. She… will… mash… you… up!

Sex any ol’ ting 

I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, bi or plain ol’ confused, please do yourself a favour and be safe, if you have sexual relations this Carnival. Trojan, Durex, whatever your condom of choice is, make sure and keep it nearby. Mashin’ up de speakerbox sounds fun and all, but you really don’t want to have to face the music. (I’ve said this before, but you can never go out of style saying, “wrap it up”).

So yes, walk with protection, and if you’re feeling very adventurous, and you’re about to knock boots with someone you only just met, take some other precautions. Like checking out de man teeth early in the day, when you’re still sober, to see if he’s really still in J’Ouvert gear, or if he’s your friendly, city vagrant getting his groove on (Although I have to admit I don’t mind hearing yet another ‘who flex on a vagrant story’ post Carnival – true or false).

And as much as we love to talk about Carnival babies, I know some of you ladies would be horrified when you realise that you’ll pushing out a child whose first words will be “ah wotless” in nine months, and that his or her father really is some wotless arse you gave it up to during las’ lap. So… yeah… sex responsibly.

Some of you will say, “Me, I not screwin’ nobody for Carnival”, but stranger things have happened. All virgin put up unno hand. You safe like Selassie I briefcase.

Party like a Soca star. Drive like his chauffeur (if his chauffeur drives safely)

We all know that festive season is the season of idiotic driving in Trinidad and Tobago. Wait… I meant more idiotic driving.

Don’t drink and drive. Don’t sleep and drive. Don’t sneeze and drive. Don’t talk on yuh phone and drive. Don’t ask yuh woman for a blowjob and drive. Don’t take curves gunning at 140 km. Show some courtesy and common sense on the road, and, hopefully, we won’t have to hear about anyone losing their life in what could have been a preventable accident this Carnival. Seriously folks…

Get outwined

Trinis like to make joke about how Chinee cah wine. But do you know that rhythm does skip at least one generation in each family, regardless of race? So, if you know that that’s you, doh go and wine with a winer girl or a winer boy, puhlease. If you can’t handle the winery, you can’t handle the winery. No shame in your game. Stick to your lane. Do a social wine. Don’t go and wine on Denise Belfon’s pumpkin-vine family who will kakalay you into the Wining Hall of Shame.

P.S.: Fellas, while you’re at it, you could probably take some lessons from David Hamilton on the art of tiefin’ a wine.

Drink and yuh’s not a drinka

If you can’t handle alcohol, stick to soft drinks. No shame in that either. As one Outlish reader commented in Part 1, “please tell the ladies especially don’t get drunk alone… (I) had to cut part of my mas last year to ensure a beautiful, total stranger was safe… not everyone would do that.”

So yes, like yuhself if you want, but be careful folks. Amidst the revelry, there are characters out there looking to take advantage of ladies, and men, so keep your wits about you, or have a crew who will ‘have your back’.

Go Soca Monarch and then complain ‘bout de ruffians

If you know you’re an all-inclusive kinda feter, don’t go Soca Monarch, far less go in the ‘general’ section. You will get trampled on, advantaged, and the list goes on. I know… you’re probably saying, “But Karel I went Army fete for the first time this year (note VIP), and I survive all de characters and the outfits… OMG. I could handle dat crowd”.

But darlings, trust me. Soca Monarch is a beast. You really think you could manage in that crowd when Iwer jumps on stage singing, “Come to meh”? Thought not. So throw away that idea about heading to Soca Monarch before or after a stush fete, and relax yuhself, ‘cause you know you could only handle a Jamboree or Harts crowd. Or you know what… go. Just don’t complain about how you couldn’t see the stage or the ‘calibre’ of people. People don’t like whiners.

So with that said, Happy Carnival folks. Have fun. Hurt up yuh feet in those boots (which still don’t make sense to me), burn those calories, chipping and wining, and maybe even meet your future husband or wife. Whatever you do, be safe. The rest of us, who’ll be at home, look forward to hearing the tales of Carnival 2K11.

Check out the rest of this week’s issue (28/2/11; Issue 47):

• Samba or Soca: Would you choose Rio Carnival over Trinidad Carnival?
• Do Trinis Really Acknowledge Women’s Rights and Achievements?
• Bosses and Bitches: Winning the War in the Workplace
• Saving Money the Ole Time Way: Is the Sou Sou Outdated?
• Over 30. Still single. No prospects. Is something wrong with you?

Look out for a new issue of Outlish.com every Monday!