Why You Shouldn’t Say No to a Fatboy Lover

16 Jan Why You Shouldn’t Say No to a Fatboy Lover

Yep, ah is ah fatboy! There was a time when that statement would have been accompanied by a maudlin disposition, lowered eyelids, and stooped shoulders, but ah pass all dat now. Yes…Christmas done, meh jeans a lil tighter, and I okay with dat!

Oh gosh, maybe I should rephrase…I’m a fat man! Nah, dat sounding WAY too crude, and isn’t in keeping with meh finer sensibilities. No fat man here! Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby christen myself Fat Gent. That’s Mr. Fat Gent to you, dear reader.

Between you and me, I think allyuh missin’ out on a criminally untapped resource in de love department. Some people know wah is de scene, but dey does keep it hush hush. Underground nah. It ain’t catch on yet, but OHHHHHHH, just you wait! By de time this story buss, you, yuh mudder, she sister, and she sister frien’ will come to know what I, and a very select few, dun know already. Fat bwoys ah hit you wit de wickedest slam! BOOM!

To fully appreciate de fatboy mystique, one must delve, head first, into fatboy psychology. Yes chil’ren, dis is serious business!

De fatboy is, by definition, a late bloomer. When de skinny fellas an’ dem was getting it left, right, and centre in school…jamming down in de sweaty bazaar, young fat boy was in de corner biding his time. He developed patience. He knew dat the class skettel wouldn’t let him sample she chow-chow as easily as de other fellas, so he had to learn she.

From de doubles stand, he watch she when she was wit she friends and dem. From by de cheese pie man, he study how she does act ‘round she different man and dem. Every evening, he make sure he had a clear view of she from by de fudge lady. He watched, he observed, he made mental notes, and, under de sheets of his twin bed, executed a swift and intense masturbatory sequence. He developed imagination.

Out of desperate necessity, young fatboy often had to dig deep into his well of cusswords and backchat to fend off the daily taunts that came his way. Sure, young fatboy’s shirt strained under the pressure of his newly forming moobs, and his belly threatened to sag over the precipice of belt.

Dah used to give him rell horrors!

Doh tie up yuh head though. He would waste no time letting you know de exact role yuh mudder play in all of it! He developed a backbone. He developed a quick wit. He developed a sense of humour.

Ask anybody wha’ dey looking for in ah man, and ah will bet you a Patraj dhalpourie dat patience, imagination, backbone, wit, and humour WILL be a part of the requirements. Fatboys ha dat in spades! *steups* Dah is de default settings!

Wha yuh say? Yuh ain’t dancing wit no big-belly man?! Orrr, if yuh cyah feel de bone, leave yuh alone!

Hmm, allyuh woman does never cease to amuse me, nah. Yuh tink you is de first woman ah hear say dat fat boys “lacking”? Ah wonder how you go feel if I appraise YOU like dat! Nah nah nah, doh play shy now…

“Excuse meh, miss…yuh mind standing up?”

“Ah promise it ain’t go take long.”

“What ah looking for? Well miss, if you say yuh looking fuh big bone, I tink is fair fuh me to look fuh what I want, too!”

“…hmm, yuh know yuh is not a bad-looking woman! Pretty face…nice rack. Buh wait, yuh wanna show meh whey yuh back end and dat bamcee begin?! Wait nah, is sag yuh jeans saggin’ in de back dey! Nah!”

“Oh gosh doux doux, doh get vex! Ah was jus tryin’ to prove ah point.”

“Doh throw stones from YOUR glass house, mmmkay!”

How yuh go feel if a man do you dat?

Anyway, ah was just about to tell yuh one of the MOST coveted an’ overlooked secrets about ah fat boy. He could lick down ah pan ah sweetbread, he go lick down dem six doubles, he go lick down dem planters cheeseballs, and babygirl, he go lick down dah nanny good, good, good!
Doh let dem tie up yuh head, mon cheri. Yuh doh need 12 inches!

Buh aye aye…look who blushing now!

Since I have yuh…let meh give yuh de fat boy guidelines. Yeah, dis is like de “for best results” section. Keep these ever mindful, eh!

1. Acknowledge de beauty

Unfortunately, we does live in ah world dat have a limited view on wha’ is considered attractive. Dis ain’t new. But wha’ doesn’t cease tuh amaze me is how universal de fat boy/gyal punch line is! And sometimes dis punch line is at the expense of people who I tink does look good! When I see ah hard pan, ashy-kneed, piranha-toothed woman gettin’ away with harassin’ ah fat boy/gyal, ah does really be at ah loss fuh words. Give credit where it due nah! If de fat boy lookin’ sharp, giv’ him ah compliment nah! Some ah we does look hot as hell! Likewise, if yuh know yuh hunny is ah good person….loyal, attentive, caring…acknowledge it!

2. No fat references in ah serious argument

Unless yuh looking to collect ah cuss down, and potentially ruin yuh relationship, avoid ALL references to size/weight in serious arguments. Ting like sliding yuh credit card between he love handles, and screaming “purchase!” go get yuh de pink slip!

3. Life balance

If yuh is ah good woman, you will ultimately take yuh fat boy for what he is. At de same time, though, yuh will slowly, and I emphasize slowly, introduce him to ah lifestyle beyond de doubles stand. I ain’t go lie, we go kick and scream, but deep down yuh fat boy wants, needs, and truly appreciates this. It go take ah special woman to do it though, cuz rushin’ dis phase…and hidin’ de snacks an’ shit? De post man go bring yuh ah quick copy ah de pink slip. In Jesus name, Amen.

Even though the greater portion of this piece is in jest, I’m inviting you all to explore the possibility that the patience, imagination, backbone, wit, and sense of humour you’re searching for in a partner may be right under your nose…cleverly disguised in the neighbourhood fatboy. A knight in shining armour awaits. Pay attention!

Image credit: worldofblackent.com