Fashion Felonies for the Fellas

13 Sep Fashion Felonies for the Fellas

People spend countless hours scrutinizing and criticizing the fashion crimes committed by women. From hooker heels to dowdy clothing, women are always getting the fashion backhand. But what about the fellas? Although they try to be simultaneously below the radar and in your face, we can all agree that men commit some fashion felonies of their own.

Some are, of course, worse than others, but here is a breakdown of the common fashion convicts we can usually find strolling the streets.

The Walking Billboard

We all know them. Those guys who need to ensure that you know who they are wearing, and how much of said designer they can afford. From completely matching Nike ensembles to Nike tick gold earrings, these men live by the brand names. If they can’t see the logo, they won’t wear it. Additionally, they always have the same article of clothing in ranging colours, so that they have the same bess sneakers in about 15 different shades. I get it. You like Nike.

The Humanitarian

These are the guys who have no concept of their body size. Perhaps they shop for the days when all that gym time will pay off, and they’ll grow a couple inches, and be big enough to fill out their XXXL t-shirt. However, right now, their clothing is just TOO BIG.

I call them the humanitarians because I like to say their clothing could pitch tents for a small family. I’m not sure when or how this trend started, but it hasn’t gone out of style yet, much to my chagrin. Most women do not wish to be enveloped in a sea of cloth and stitching when they embrace their gentlemen friends. If you know you’re skinny, buy smaller clothing please.

The Pheromone Queen

Most people like to smell nice. It’s human nature. According to a recent BBC report, the sense of smell is potentially our most powerful. It’s no wonder that the perfume and cologne industry is so profitable. However, I do not wish to have my nose assaulted by your cheap cologne. Even if it isn’t cheap, you do not need the entire bottle! A little dash will do.

Regardless of how many women Axe tells you you will pull if you wear their products, you do not need to bathe in it. There is separate body wash for that, and if you use it, you probably don’t need the cologne either. Too much of a good thing is always a bad thing. You will likely send girls running from the stink faster than if you hadn’t worn any in the first place.

The Human Screwdriver

Yuh ever see this nonsense about men growing the nails on their pinkie finger? I have not a clue who decided this was a good idea, but too many men have decided to comply. It is gross, very creepy, and serves no purpose. Cut your nails fellas. All of them!

The Exhibitionist

These are the men who think that everyone would like the opportunity to appreciate their Hanes boxers. I don’t want to see them. If I did, I would let you know. Pull up your pants. The consensus is that this particular fad started in the prison system where prisoners’ belts were taken away to prevent them from being used as weapons. As a result, their pants began to sag and their underwear was visible. The practice is perpetuated by real jail-time servers like Lil Wayne and 50 Cent who intentionally wear their pants well below their bottoms. Guess they figure why wear a belt if it’s going to be taken away again.

Worse yet are the ones who sport this look WITH BELTS! Why yuh put on the belt if yuh doh want to hold up yuh pants? Whenever I see some fool walking down the street holding up his pants I just have to laugh. The solution to your problem is already around your waist.

The Hipster

These are the opposites of the Exhibitionists. These men wear pants so tight, they look painted on. I truly appreciate your commitment to keeping your pants on in public places, but I would like what might be underneath them to be left to my imagination. How do you even fit underwear underneath them? Or, should the question be, do you even have space for a brief or boxers?

The Bling King

No man must be wearing more jewelry than me. If you want to wear earrings, keep them to a decent size. Do not wear something that might knock my teeth out when I lean over to give you a friendly peck on the cheek. Wear one ring, preferably nothing loud and gaudy. Guys you think you look cool when you’re wearing more gold than King Midas. We don’t.

I also do not mind having to ask your name. Please do not emblaze it on a piece of jewelry for the world to see. If your chain cannot fit in the palm of your hand, it is too big. Take it off. And the day I see a man walking down the street with a pimp cup in his hand I will run up to him, beat him with MY pimp stick, and then run away.

The Barbershop Hero

These are the men whose heads are their crowning glory. Literally. From batman designs to pictures of their grandmothers, these man have all kinds of designs cut into the back of their heads.

Not cute.

If you are going to the barbershop to get a haircut, cut your hair. Not SOME of your hair. Not as much as $5 will pay for. ALL of it. If you want to show some individuality, that’s fine. I rather remember you by your unique personality than the dragon or stars etched into your skull.

Basically, men are filling up the fashion courts just as often as women are. If you know a man who commits or (has committed) any of these fashion crimes, politely let him know that you will sentence him to house arrest, since he clearly isn’t dressed for public areas. If you are a man who commits these crimes, you have been cited.