FIFA 12: Females Ignored For Another 12 months

17 Oct FIFA 12: Females Ignored For Another 12 months

Tuesday, September 27, 2011. The day that nearly every male in Trinidad had the best orgasm of his life. Simultaneously, it’s the day that the vast majority of taken females in Trinidad had their worst nightmare. 

This was the day that the Lord had made… and released the greatest football simulation video game ever, FIFA 12. Its release ushered in a dark period in the world of femmedom, as taken males shall inevitably pay a lot more attention to their PlayStation 3s, and a lot less on their significant others.

In a world where females cannot directly relate to why guys love video games, or activities of male camaraderie in general, the arrival of this game, and eventually the release of “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3” in under a month’s time, there is no doubt in my mind that there will be a definite increase in breakups and divorces this year. Okay, maybe I’m being melodramatic. But it will certainly affect some ladies and gents. 

This is my attempt to curb this unavoidable staggering rise in heartbreak… by explaining video gaming and male camaraderie, so that the female population can understand, and possibly relate to why we love FIFA 12 so much.

So onto the first obvious question… why do guys play video games? What is so great about it? The answer is simple. Generally, it’s a virtual simulation of some of the things we either like to do, or feel like doing. For example, every woman must know the most common meaning of “sweat”, which is to go out for a recreational scrimmage of popular sports, most commonly football (and basketball for some). 

At the same time, men love to watch football, because it’s a physical activity, which involves power, dominance, skill, victory, and, most importantly, testosterone. Needless to say, when we can’t always directly have a sweat at our disposal, or we feel to replicate that in a calmer liming session, we play some FIFA. Not to mention the mind-boggling ability of video game developers to replicate our favourite sport almost perfectly, and make it available for us to play. 

Now ask yourself… if you have that at your disposal why in your right mind would you pass it up? For those who can actually answer it (who I expect to be ALL females), you’ll say that it’s dumb! The reason for this response: you don’t understand male camaraderie, and why it’s necessary.

Alas, the second question, which comprises two parts. What is male camaraderie, and why is it necessary? Again an easy answer. It’s the coming together of male friends to bond, share ideas, participate in activities of common interest, and – most of all – escape some of the realities of the world, including women. Now don’t take this as an insult… it’s just the human psyche; if you get too much of one thing, you cannot stand it any longer. You eat grilled cheese sandwiches day in day out for ten years, you’ll probably never want one again eventually. In other words, it’s necessary to keep us sane. 

Ultimately, this also explains why we would play games like “Call of Duty”, or, in women’s terms, a shooting game. The reason: when we feel to wrangle your necks, or others, or shoot someone for getting on our nerves, we cannot. The solution: shoot some imaginary people and watch them bleed and take bullets. The best part: it, like FIFA, also has a storyline to keep you interested regardless of this, so ultimately you’re relieving stress even when you don’t necessarily want to. Ahhh, the brilliance of technology. 

Ladies, we need these video games to keep us sane and going. It loosens us up, gives us the opportunity to enjoy the company of our friends, and helps us to relieve stress. It might seem like your lover is paying you less attention, but in a way it’s good and it’s a win/win situation. He relieves stress so he can give you love and attention when he’s ready and eager to do so, and you waiting on the attention to come will make you appreciate it a lot more, making for a more lasting relationship. And do know, this is a scientific fact, or so my mind says… So ladies, let us kick imaginary balls and shoot imaginary men, to ultimately get us to love you better.

Check out the rest of this week’s issue (17/10/11; Issue 77):

• 10 Things I want a Rich Trini to Do. By Kern Elliott.
• Free Speech: Do we Really Understand what it means? By Catherine Young.
• Things Trinis Say: What They Really Mean. By Tamika Gibson.
• Love is a Mixtape: Playlists, Mushiness and MP3s. By Karel Mc Intosh.
• The Race to be African-American or Afro-Trinidadian. By Onika Pascal.

Look out for a new issue of Outlish.com every Monday!