Avoiding Tief Head and Tabanca

12 Jul Avoiding Tief Head and Tabanca

These days, Alicia Keys is to be blamed for loads of people getting a serious chain up where love is concerned.

Blast “Unthinkable (I’m Ready)” on your speakers at least once, and you’re left daydreaming about that guy or girl you like. Oh, how sweet it would be if they were to call you and say, “I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby”. If only…

To avoid a serious case of a tief head, please don’t listen to Alicia, or if you do, quickly buss a gangsta rap or Movado tune immediately after. Trust me, hardcore lyrics will send you right back to reality, and dispel all hallucinations about the object of your affection.

The name of the song is “Unthinkable” after all, and, well, in most cases, your wish just ain’t gonna happen.

Imagination is a great friend, but it’s also a top rate, chain up artist.

Single or committed – you’re fair game for a tief head. It’s hard for people to chain you up about your money and other earthly possessions, but when it comes to matters of the heart, we can fall for almost anything. Sometimes we can’t even blame the ‘tief’!

‘Single or committed – you’re fair game for a tief head’

We tief our own head, and let our imagination run away with us.

How many women dream about a beautiful wedding, and how their boyfriend will pop the question in the most magical way possible? Admittedly, most people (men and women, but mostly the ladies) may think of how they’d like their wedding to be, but when your dream starts to consume you, and your significant other isn’t even thinking of joining the engaged train, you’ve got to reel yourself back in.

Trust me. There are people who plan weddings, booking the venue and the whole nine yards, and they haven’t been proposed to as yet. Get those dreams of posting a wedding album on Facebook or your photo appearing in the Saturday Express out of your mind.

Wait for it to actually happen before you let yourself get carried away. I know, easier said than done.

You can’t help but think of how your kids would look with that cute guy you’ve been nursing a major crush for. Will they get his nose and your eyes? Oooh… your bone structure would merge perfectly together, as long as they don’t get Grandpa’s big nose, right? Chile… when you start to think like that, it’s time to take the elevator back to earth.

Women are famous for tiefin’ their own head, and are left nursing tabancas, with best friends rushing to their aid. Guys, they tend to keep their options open (blame it on social conditioning – girls look for Prince Charming; guys sow their oats until they find ‘the one’). But when a woman sees a guy she wants, she zones in. She’s enamoured, and she analyses everything he says, interpreting it in the most palatable way.

‘Guys tend to keep their options open’

“Babes I eh see yuh in 51 last night, ah miss yuh” suddenly means “babes I does hug up my pillow whole night pretending is you”. ‘I like you” probably also means that in about a year or two, he might consider buying a diamond for you (O_o).

Ladies, if a guy calls you frequently or dreamt about you, this doesn’t mean he’s ready to devote the breath that he breathes to you. Only Maxwell does that (and yes he calls me frequently… *snickers*).

Then there’s the classic “well he only tells me certain things, and can’t talk to other girls like how he can talk to me”. That doesn’t mean he considers you the oracle of his life. We tend to ascribe way more “specialness” to ourselves than the other person does. Just because he can talk to you comfortably doesn’t mean in the end he’ll choose you over others (people are fickle like that).

Emotions have a way of sweeping us up, and removing logic from our thought process. Sometimes your “unthinkable” dream of romance may be quite possible, but after listening to a few dreamy R&B tunes, you get impatient; you want it now, and can’t wait for the other person to be ready.

That’s when your “I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby” gets a full-on brace because you’ve popped it too soon.

Now don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a rant against romance (I’m a believer). This is for the people who daydream about love with no tangible evidence of reciprocity from the object of their affection.

Reciprocity is key. While you don’t want to have a tit for tat approach to love, you don’t want to be the only one giving. Women easily fall into the trap that if you like or love somebody you must give them your all – even if they don’t do the same for you.

‘Reciprocity is key’

Men rarely make you the axis on which their earth spins, especially if you’re not exclusive, and even some who are supposedly exclusive don’t (but let’s not go there now). Most men tend to wait until they’re sure about you before they start to get seriously carried away.

As my friend Susy says, “Man doh lie, woman does lie to theyself plenty times when it comes to love”.

Don’t stop liming with friends, change your schedule, or turn down dates with others in case he calls, so you’re free to accept. That leaves you wide open for a set-up and disappointment.

Look at his actions, and make sure you look out for certain signs from early on.

Don’t mistake red flags like possessiveness and aggression as passion or devotion. To quote Susy: “Doh take the whole ‘I have no boundaries with you’ mamaguy. A person with no boundaries is dangerous”.

Set boundaries. You’ve got to know what you will and will not accept, and, while some of that will change, some never will. See, because if you’re really toutoulebay, when homie approaches you with the “unthinkable”, you’ll swoon and fawn, and when the $%^& hits the fan, we all know how that’ll go down.

As Terror Fabulous says, woman want “action, not ah bag ah mouth”.

‘Woman want action, not ah bag ah mouth’

Be practical. If you want lyrics, throw on some Brian Mc Knight or Marvin Gaye.

Whatever you do, don’t let Alicia tief your head. She’s been doing it throughout her career, with you getting butterflies, and convincing yourself that you don’t want nothing at all, if you ain’t got ‘him’, when the object of your affection probably doesn’t even know your name.

Yes, you’ve told yourself no one can get in the way of what you’re feeling, but drink some kool aid, and slow your roll.

If you’re getting to know someone, take your time and enjoy the process instead of rushing to get that “wifey” status.

It might be hard to do, but it’s better in the long run, if you want to avoid heartburn.

Image credit: Zoe Fortune.