How to Depress People on Facebook

04 Jun How to Depress People on Facebook

Studies say that every one in ten persons suffer from depression, making it one of the most common conditions affecting the human race. It is predicted to only become worse with time.

Thankfully, I am not among this number, but I know quite a few people who are, and it is out of concern for my fellow man (and this alone) that I’m writing this.

It is an unwelcomed thought that scientists can’t decide whether it is due to a lack of enough serotonin or merely bad sex. So, where does this leave us plain folk? On Facebook, of course – the convenient repository of choice for all of the world’s most pressing problems.

As the old saying goes, misery loves company, and expressing one’s depression is one of the most alluring of all temptations. It is known to spread with more ease than HPV. This is me, then, giving you top-class advice on how to effectively express your own depression on Facebook, and to receive the best results by dragging the rest of your friends down with you.

I give this advice, because the cheer of others is salt in the wounds of the depressed, and everyone deserves a shot at life on a level playing field.

Always tell the truth
Telling the truth is an art that requires a dexterity possessed by very few. Only the most depressed of us can do it well, and this is so because we know the truth itself. Most human beings live in a narcissistic illusion that the universe revolves around them. They think that everything happens for a reason, and that just around the corner they would find happiness. It is this very hope, which becomes a shield against the arrows of depression. But you, through experience, know the weaknesses in that shield.

You know better than most that even though you spent four years without sleep, reading for a degree, it is statistically improbable that you are going to enjoy the job of your dreams.

Hold this truth close to your heart, let it sit there, and write that status with the good grammar necessary to make depression more poignant. For example, “I should have gotten my PHD in the same school with Kanye because having a disproportionately sized sexual organ is worth more than having above-average intelligence in today’s job market.”

Don’t allow the young and naive to fall prey to hope and happiness, because it will only deepen your own depression. No one should be depressed and alone.

Depressing reminders
It is unfortunate that there are people who do not have friends to remind them of their present circumstances. Too many people live in depressing realities, but are unfairly distracted, listening to Machel Montano and reading Outlish to recognise this themselves. It is your responsibility to nudge them in the wrong direction. Thankfully, Facebook exists and you have a large number of “friends”, whose friendship is questionable.

One sure-fire, one-way trip to depression is to state things that should be obvious to your friends, but aren’t, very matter-of-factly. Here is an example of one of my own…I mean, my friend’s…more successful entries:

“YOU are now at the age where, when you were younger, you thought you would have it all together. You’re welcome. Goodnight.”

Remind them that they should now be either wailing in the maternity ward, while pushing out a baby, or holding the hand of the person who is. Instead, they are spending their Friday nights trying to find the humour in old episodes of “Family Guy”. A safe and unobtrusive means of getting this point across is to ask your friends what they thought they would be at this age. They would be pulling out tissues to wipe away the nostalgia of childhood dreams in no time.

Existential crisis
The importance of receiving a good education is one of the world’s greatest lies. What use is there, can you tell me, in knowing your twelve-time-tables if you have no idea why you even exist? What’s worse is that becoming smarter makes you a more critical thinker, which adversely affects your ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of life by shooting unanswerable questions at yourself that are more annoying than mosquitoes.

This is probably the most effective of the three methods of transmitting depression, but it requires some sacrifice on your part. You must first be bruised and battered by your own unhealthy amounts of introspection, before you go on to post the fruits of wisdom on your wall.

If done effectively, you will find yourself saying things like “my life is meaningless”, “I wish I could start my life over and make better decisions”, “Sex ain’t better than love”, and “I am single and loving it!”

Years of practice (or just natural giftedness) would enable you to write longer, extremely esoteric and vague statuses that friends could only pray to understand, like “Nobody understands how something like this could ever happen. I don’t understand. Is this life?” While these statements are probably true, no one wants to read them, and, therefore, you must make them do so.

I would have you know that we have only scratched the surface of depression transmission. Facebook offers much more versatility than just posting a status. For optimum effect, you would want to augment your profile with dark, black and white photos of yourself staring out of windows or – better yet – dark, black and white photos of other people staring out of windows.

Now go. Depress people!

Image via observerzparadise.com