How to Kick a Liar to the Curb

20 Sep How to Kick a Liar to the Curb

All of us fall prey to lies, at some stage of our lives, and we’ve all told a lie or two of our own. However, we have liars and LIARS, which means that there are different degrees to lying.

Liars are individuals who are normally caught telling a white lie, which is trivial and most often innocent. An example of this is the KFC cashier telling you that the spicy chicken will be ready in five minutes. Now we Trinis know that it’s actually twenty-five minutes, but we are told five minutes because it sounds better and it will keep us from throwing a tantrum in the line. Telling the girlfriend that you loved your birthday gift when, in fact, it sucked is also a lie, but an understandable one because playing saint and revealing your true feelings about the gift would only put you on Shit Street.

Then we have the LIARS. These people have absolutely no conscience whatsoever and will go the extra mile to practice the art of deception. Never depend on guilt to keep them from plying their trade. This is your mechanic charging for a brand new oil filter when he knows very well that it wasn’t changed or a political party promising the moon and stars on the campaign trail with prior knowledge that the promises being made aren’t feasible. Did someone say misprint?

Lying is innate in us. Studies have shown that children start lying as early as four and a half years old when they first understand that they can make someone believe an alternate reality, that is, a lie. So everyone lies, but wouldn’t it be great to know when someone is lying?

Yes, sometimes ignorance is bliss, but it pays to know when someone is trying to chain you up, and play you for a fool. So here’s some help.

Body Language

Liars tend to make all sorts of funny movements like scratching their nose, ear or throat.

Ladies, if you ask ‘Mr. Right’ if he really loves you and wants a long-term relationship, and dude starts to twist, turn and make all sorts of weird movements, while not looking you directly in the eye, then homeboy’s only intention is to deflower you. C’mon, so you really think he wanted to settle down?

Deflections

I’ve noticed that our former Prime Minister, when asked certain questions, would ‘beat around the bush’ and not give a straight answer.

Scenario.

Question: “Sir, does PM in the letter mean Prime Minister?”

Response: “Yuh know PM also means Project Manager”.

He is sidestepping the question to throw us off course. Anytime someone starts to act as if you have “ASS” tattooed on your forehead, it’s time to wise up… unless you really do… Ok. I’ll stop there.

Exaggerated details

There’s this friend of mine on the UWI All Inclusive Fete Committee who tries to convince me, every year, to attend the fete. I did one year and found it to be, in my opinion, a geriatric fete. Ever since I’ve been lying to this girl, telling her I was attending the fete. I described in detail, the food, performances, the decorations and who else I saw at the fete. Little did she know I gathered the fete information from another friend, who actually went.

Some liars tend to over-explain things. They’re trying too hard by giving too many details, and this sells them out, especially when you start to pepper them with questions, or read their confession in a widely read, online magazine. *To my friend I hope isn’t reading this, next year I goin’ fuh sure* (side eye).

Delays and Fake Emotions

Did you ever ask a friend if the pelau you cooked tastes good? Now if the person has a pause in their response then that could be an indication of a lie, and that they really think your food is an all access pass to the toilet.

What about the attendants in a clothing store? Never take their word on whether you look good in a piece of clothing! These people can sell sand in the desert, and unlike a novice they may not have a delay in their response because of many hours of practice. Look out for the fake smiles, and these trap words, “Yea boi that pants fitting yuh real good”.  Do like me and walk with an honest friend who isn’t afraid to shit you up by saying you look ‘crash’ in the pants.

Recall

The details of a lie always seem to change as time progresses. If you ask someone to repeat the details of the event the following day, and the story changes, then most likely this person is lying. Day One may have a response such as, “Honey, the boys picked me up Saturday night and we went to Coco Lounge to have a drink”. Ask that same question on Day Two, and you get this response: “Babes as I told you yesterday, I drove down to Coco Lounge where I had a drink with the boys”. Yuh hear lie; that is lie! Your man was with his outside woman. Take the ‘ASS’ that he feels you have tattooed on your forehead, and let it kick him… HARD.

I’m not condoning violence in any way, but sometimes liars need special treatment. White lies aren’t all that bad, but as the lies get dirtier, cloudier, and more ridiculous, it’s time for corrective action. You mightn’t be able to cure a liar, but you can damn well save yourself from unnecessary untruths.

About the author: Chica Emery is a pretend writer who relishes the opportunity to express himself.