If Politicians were Superheroes…

27 Sep If Politicians were Superheroes…

The year is 2020, and not even PM’s vision could have predicted what was to occur (and I mean Patrick Manning eh, not Project Manager).

Through an undocumented and vaguely recollected event, not unlike the 1990 coup, but including cool chemicals and genetic mutations, Trinidad and Tobago’s politicians have developed amazing superpowers, emphasizing their natural strengths and abilities.

These powers are used to fight crime and protect the rights and livelihood of each citizen. Led by our very own Aunty Kamla, they have formed their very own no-name coalition of superheroes, since their powers never enhanced their ability to agree on important matters, like coming up with a banging name (seriously, which superhero wants to be known as the ‘pee-pee” guy?).

Since successfully ousting the former lacklustre and negligent group of defenders in 2010, Aunty Kamla, has made it her mantra to rise above corruption and two-million-dollar flags, and protect Trinis from the dark forces that would try to bring us down, even though said forces are usually internal. *Cue egos*

She relentlessly kicks butt with her signature moves, dancing shoes and super superior speech, which entrances all enemies into a state of temporary, physical and mental paralysis. Armed only with her superior educational background, a wealthy financier, and the effects of a rural upbringing, she battles on, racing to the scene of natural disasters in yellow, rubber boots, and her trendy haircut, alleviating the fears of affected folks with her calm demeanour and soothing smile.

With her trusty sidekicks exercising their powers, her coalition is kicking butt. Anil Roberts’ “Whhhhaaaaaaaaat” has only gotten more powerful, forcing sporting bodies to wake up and breathe life into their operations, creating more Ato Boldons, Richard Thompsons, Brian Laras, Dwight Yorkes, and Russell Latapys. No one can withstand his super sonic bluntness. And ever since Nicki Minaj came to Trinidad, the youth have a newfound appreciation for any and everything local. A super feat in itself.

Still, criminals of the worst perversions, an economic disaster, and dissatisfied old people have driven the country to the edge of hopelessness. Life is filled with promises as empty as the treasury. Citizens turn a blind eye to the violence and devastation faced by their fellow man, as they are paralyzed with fear at the thought of becoming victims themselves. Purple-collar crime bosses keep the population under duress by ensuring that food prices skyrocket, along with the availability of guns and ammunition. Laventille and Beetham Gardens have become a training ground for under-aged gangsters, pregnant teenagers, young boys in brightly coloured pants, and dangerously toxic, pungent odours. These issues are the bane of Aunty Kamla’s existence, keeping her up night and day.

Much like Batman and Spider-Man would have shown, intellect, detective skills, science, technology, wealth, an indomitable will and intimidation are invaluable in the continuous war with the bad guys. She gets that. Somehow, the Minister of National Security still doesn’t.

Cut to reality (though some might say this sounds pretty much like it).  If politicians were superheroes, I think they’d all resign as government leaders and hire out their services full-time as our protectors. Ya’ll better know superhero doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll do it for free.

Picture it! It would help the Police Service if Kamla flew around in a wonder bra and tights, fighting criminals and assisting with arrests. Since T&T’s criminals aren’t afraid of guns or jail time, maybe x-ray vision and superhuman strength would make a better deterrent. The police would need to start stocking a regular supply of Huggies for every time a criminal shit his or her pants at being caught (who tell alyuh it doh have female criminals?).

The man with the iron fist, Jack Warner, shadowed by a shady past, would probably still be deflecting accusations about profiteering, bribes and ticket sales, while focusing on the future of the nation, and finding a way to make maxis fly George Jetson style, since his PBR plan didn’t work. He’d probably also be battling the witty vernacular of his famed foe, Rowley aka “The Wajang”. Ahhh… The Wajang. Once famed for questioning corrupt and seemingly shady activities, and showing heart (not Hart eh, although he exposed that too), he now refuses to work with the ‘heroes’ to bring back peace to the island, batting away every suggestion made by the good guys, even in the face of his own team’s wrongdoing.

And, of course, most likely, we normal folk would still find some way to make Aunty Kamla and her coalition look incapable and inefficient, as we have a tendency of finding fault in everything. We’d turn on them like the people of Gotham City turned on Batman, and still expect them to consistently save our asses when trouble arose. And they would because that’s what heroes do.

In an alternate universe, superhero politicians would be the answer to our prayers. In fact, maybe we should focus less on Parliamentary sessions and concentrate more on scientifically mutating genes and DNA structure to produce more evolved humans to run our country.

That might seem like a long shot, as we still haven’t found a cure for the common cold, cancer or Jack Warner’s stuttering. In the meantime, we can keep the hope alive and pray for either a miracle or a non-fatal nuclear explosion.

Image credit – alltopmovies.com