Masturbation: Taboo, Lies, and Easing d Tension

15 Nov Masturbation: Taboo, Lies, and Easing d Tension

So one hot Thursday afternoon, I was liming on campus with some friends. We were busy giving one of the guys a hard time about his marital troubles, telling him he’d have to “polish the mast” for a few weeks.

In comes a middle-aged man, definitely a foreigner. He introduced himself as part of an evangelical mission that was on campus to give ‘facts’ about sexual health. He claimed to be a “reformed masturbator”, and he just had to set the record straight on masturbation.

Now, according to him, masturbation is a real disease. It’s an act of desperation for people who cannot engage in sexual intercourse, and he wished men would take a page from women and not do it at all (women don’t do it?). Additionally, if you masturbate too much, it can “cause problems with your hormones”, stunting your growth, causing the hair on your arms to become longer or thicker, sending you crazy, and you could go blind.

And what’s most frightening is that God does not like it when you masturbate. “Tis an “e-ddiction”, according to him, and a sin! In fact, he went on to say that it damages your internal organs, and can kill you.

There was a momentary pause, then the guy we were knocking burst out with laughter. This caused a chain reaction; in about ten seconds we were all near tears. He took it rather well; if a bunch of twenty-somethings were falling out of their seats, guffawing and braying at me after I said something, I’d want to shrink into nothingness.

“Laugh all you want, but it’s true,” he assured us.

He then invited us to the talk they were having, to which we agreed (as if), and he left.

Now, before we go any further, let’s get this straight – when it comes to masturbation, there are two types of people – those who do it and admit they do, and those who do it and lie about it. The latter, probably applies to, say, 99% of the global population? Yeah, at least…

I’m sure we can say a lot about fap-fap-fapping it out, but I’m just gonna correct my new friend’s misguided notions.

Only people who do not or cannot get sex masturbate.

Actually, it’s said that people who have sex masturbate more than people who don’t. Lots of people who are in relationships or have sexual partners continue to masturbate. Saying that the need for masturbation is completely eliminated by sex is kind of overlooking the fact that these are two, completely different experiences, and climaxing isn’t always what it comes down to.

Only men masturbate.

It’s weird. Somehow it’s more socially acceptable for guys to masturbate than it is for women. But the fact is, ladies do it too. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman masturbating. In fact, research has shown that women who masturbate have higher self-esteem. A lot of women are conditioned not to masturbate, and definitely not to admit it. But you know what? They do.

Constant masturbation causes hormonal imbalances, resulting in stunted growth, excessive body hair, psychological problems and blindness.

Since I’m only 5’9″, have hairy arms and legs, can’t see more than two feet in front of me minus glasses or contacts, and I’ll admit I have a few crossed wires, I wonder what that says about me? Hmmm…

For the record, there’s nothing wrong with masturbating every day. Hell, there’s nothing wrong with doing it multiple times during the day. There’s really no such thing as “too much masturbation”, unless it starts to affect your daily routines, such as going to school, or work or socialising with friends. Then it might be a good idea to step back and take stock. I know. More ‘spiritual’ people would argue against it, as they seek to not ‘give in to the flesh’; it all comes down to what you’re comfortable with.

Masturbation is an addiction that destroys your internal organs, is bad for your soul, and can be fatal.

Let me put this out there; there is no way masturbation can kill you. Only if you’re into auto-erotic asphyxiation (the act of suffocating oneself for arousal), then I’ll consider it possible.

And this is the biggest, saddest lie of them all, because masturbation is soooooooo good for you.

I did some research, and here’s what I found out masturbation can do:

• Lower your blood pressure.
• Help with controlling climaxes.
• Prevent prostate cancer.
• Help you sleep better.
• Relieve menstrual cramps.
• Promote the production of nitric oxide (which the body uses for general sexual function).
• Relieve stress.
• No STDs or pregnancy.
• Self-exploration, which leads to self-awareness.
• Heightened self-esteem.

So fellas, if yuh ‘flying kite’, and ladies if yuh lifting ah finger, don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed. Depending on your own view of sexuality, you might disagree or agree with the ‘merits’ of masturbation, or you might just keep lying about partaking in some self-pleasure (lying is a sin too, by the way).  Going solo to release sexual tension is still taboo for many. However, spreading lies about it won’t advance the discussion. So, go ahead. Comment… or confess.

Check out the rest of this week’s issue (Issue 32, 15/11/10)

• Etienne Charles: Jazzy and Original
• Famine and Feast: The Life of  a Freelancer
• Brainwashed: For the Love of all things Foreign
• A Migrant’s Tale: Bittersweet Reflections of T&T
• Carbon Copied Love: How Parents affect our Relationships