My Jamaican Guy: Why I Don’t Want to Be the Future Mrs Usain Bolt

13 Aug My Jamaican Guy: Why I Don’t Want to Be the Future Mrs Usain Bolt

Usain my love, the words I type aren’t meant to discredit you in any way. It’s just me thinking things through…before we get serious. Failure to do so is why so many relationships have failed. And that is not the path I want us to take my love. How can you continue breaking world records, if you get a tabanca?

I’ll admit that I haven’t reached any real decision about the thoughts swirling around in my mind. I’m still high off of your amazing wins at the Olympics. I can’t wait for us to rock back to some wine and Beres Hammond to relive it.

Honey…when I said I don’t want to be the future Mrs Usain Bolt, I didn’t really mean it like that. It came out the wrong way. It just means there are some things I’d like you to answer. While it may seem that I’m only looking at the negative, please know that I positively want you to show me that I’m just overthinking everything, and getting way ahead of myself.

Since you don’t have much time to talk these days, I figured I’d make the classic woman’s mistake of sending you a long e-mail that might make you roll your eyes and think I’m getting emo on you. As I type this, I remember that time we were having dinner. The yam balls were so yummy. You said, “The best relationships start off on an honest foot”. So let me be honest. These are the questions I ask myself.

Will you bolt in the bedroom?

Usain, some people worry about one-minute men. I worry about the fact that you’re built to perform for 9.58 to 19.3 seconds max. Can all the Trelawny yam in the world help you go ten furlong? (Hey Patra.) I hope so you know…because boasting about how you could come quick is not a good look for you. You know what Carl Lewis would do with that info?

Onto my next question…

Are you too hyper for me?

Usain…I am hyper. Hyperer than hype. But I think you’re way more hyper than me. Even your daddy said he thought something was wrong with you when you were a child. He insisted that they take you to see a doctor. Thankfully, the doctor told them nothing was wrong. Just put you in some activities for you to channel that energy. Usain I don’t know if I can match that energy. It seems to have grown, with each year.

And I know I questioned your bedroom skills earlier, but here’s the twist. One of my friends, who once dated an athlete, told me that when you’re home I won’t be able to keep you from humping me. She said during off-season, her boyfriend was after her all day. “Girl, when he didn’t have training he had to release dat energy!” Usain…will you be like that? I guess it’ll make up for all that abstinence we’ve been practising all these months for the Olympics. I couldn’t use up yuh juice if I wanted you to break world records. Right?

What will we do for fun?

Now when you’re home, I know videogames will distract you from me. But when you’re not playing “Call of Duty”, or trying to hump me, will you expect me to play catch for fun? We already know how that will turn out babes. You know I’m not athletic. I only ran ten metres in 2.3 seconds last night, because a flying cockroach came zooming at me, when I sprayed it with Baygon.

How will we dance at parties?

We share a love of dancehall, but since about 2005 I’ve stopped listening to new dub. I don’t know all the new-school dances. The last ones I remember are pon de river and stookie. After that, I revert to Trinis’ default dance – wining. You know all the latest dances. And I know you like Vybz Kartel…but I’d prefer for you to vibes Karel.

You’re probably laughing by now Usain. It sounds trivial, but it brings me to another concern…

Is our age difference too wide?

I’m 32. You’re 25. You’re younger than my younger brother Usain. How it go look?

I’m not bothered much about the men mature later than women philosophy. I think men in their 30s can be immature too. But you know how people does talk. They’ll say I’m a gold-digger and a cougar too! I could handle that talk among Caribbean macos. Usain pick up a Trini? Dais fodder for talk. But seeing the headline “Usain Bolt hooks up with a Glasses-wearing Cougar” splashed across the National Enquirer? Ah not ready for dat. Ah not ready!

Can we make a long-distance relationship work?

This is the real question we have to focus on Usain. Long-distance relationships take really hard work. You’ve got to be in for the long haul. And you’re a short sprint man. Do you have what it takes to go the distance?

Plus I’ll have to ignore all of those rumours. You know…the ones about your fashion designer ex still running you down, even after you told her, “Gyul…hot gyul nuh fight ova man. You cah compare to Karel.”

But those are external factors. It’s how are we going to handle us? You. Me. It depends on how we make us work. Yes you have money to take me everywhere you go, but I’m not going to sponge off of you like that. Plus, sometimes you’ll need to go on some trips without me. I don’t want Yohan and Warren feeling like third wheels.

While we’ll be apart sometimes, and I will miss your effervescence, don’t feel I will be just twiddling my thumbs, sitting at home, waiting to fry dumplin for you. I’m a busy woman. I got things to do. People to see. Yam to buy. I will be off handling my business. Or I might be on a girls trip, Rihanna style – sailing a yacht in the Mediterranean. Who’s paying for that? You. Duh. I said I’m independent, not stupid.

But let’s get down to brass tacks. It’ll come down to how much we trust each other. You’ll have to trust that I’m not playing footsie with random men who keep mistaking me for Halle Berry. I’ll have to trust that the girl who you say is your masseuse is just that…your masseuse.

Usain, there is so much for us to consider. I’ll have to come up with a special talent. People will ask, “What’s so special about her that she can nab the fastest man alive?” And I want you to be proud, when you answer. So I’m currently learning how to be a dancehall queen.

Babes, love can move mountains. And like I said…I’m probably overthinking all of this. Why should I doubt you? You’ll probably quiet all of my fears, in 9.63 seconds, just like how you silenced the doubters in London.