The Art of Tiefin’ a Wine

02 Aug The Art of Tiefin’ a Wine

I was going to title this piece “The Science of Tiefin’ a Wine”, but changed it to avoid confusion, and the possible misleading of potential waist bandits.

“Tiefin’ a wine”, as an activity, pastime, and, for some, practically a profession, has little to no science involved. It’s a probability game, not too different from ‘all fours’. You can come more than correct, and still get blanked – either the subtle “dance away” blank, the “look back in disgust” variety, or the “open-palm push off” (in extreme cases).

Yeah, art is definitely a more appropriate term because everyone has his own style, and techniques (hey this one is for the fellas), but there are basic principles that provide high probabilities of success, which I shall reveal in an effort to assist the tusty man fraternity of T&T and beyond (who will probably need the help as we’re in the full swing of Carnival 2K11’s band launch season).

As in most serious discussions, I’ll start by stating my credentials and experience. I’ve since retired from this practice, but I boast about 15 years’ experience in wine thievery. I grew up in Palo Seco, so I’ve sampled wines from South to North, and even Central. I’ve also passed through dollar jams, school bazaars, clubs in South, North, East and West, house limes, dorm room brams, soca fetes, dancehall fetes, and even your friendly neighbourhood blocko.

I’ve gotten my fair share of blanks too. How else would I figure out how to avoid them? My stats rank at about 65% to 70%, which means that if I approach ten girls I’ll probably get about three rejects. That’s not bad if you were a regular wine thief like me, and I will also relay that my earlier career carried down my average significantly. Ah… those inexperienced days. Sigh. And now I’ll let you know how you can get your percentage up.

To be a successful wine thief there is a three-step line of attack, which requires a level of mastery at each step. This three-pronged attack, which must be performed in sequence, is known as SOA or ‘Select, Observe, Approach’. You can’t just get een on any moving waist and hope for success. Nope, you select your target, spend the optimal time approaching, and then get een like a champion. That’s it.

Master these three steps, and you’ll be brukking waists across the East-West Corridor, no red lights. Don’t, and you’ll be seeing the metaphorical roadblock right through.

Selection is the most crucial part of getting a wine. You don’t want to start with the hottest ting in the dance, especially if the dance has now started. Two reasons: one, it won’t look good for her reputation, as a hot girl, to bruk out on the first tusty man (you) who comes along. So if she’s worth her salt, she’ll reject you like a crumpled bill in a drinks machine. Secondly, your confidence increases with every wine theft, so it’s better to start with a sure thing. Five wines later and you can always tack back for Ms T&T as a bonus wine (you feel like a champ when you get it). Now, you see the girl over there getting on as soon as the party starts, and glimpsing back smiling, hoping someone notices? Right, that’s who you want to start with.

After you’ve selected your target, then observe. Is she dancing? How many friends? How many people are around? You generally don’t want to tief a wine in the middle of a crowd because then failure will equal shame and embarrassment. You also have to time the song right. Wait… wait, now right after the intro for “Hot Wuk”, slide een and start to bubble. If you don’t catch de wine seamlessly, then your fun can be aborted.

I’ve seen guys get the turn, smile and reject after two rotations. And please, don’t ask for a dance unless you know the girl. If you’re tiefin’ a wine, do it properly. Just get een on rotation, and, if you do it seamlessly enough, she won’t even turn around.

Well I’ve partially covered the approach already, so I’ll add some more tips.

Observe from a point where you can’t be seen. If a girl notices you marking her bumper for an hour in the party before you make a move, then she’ll register you for a future blank. If you’re caught, look for another bumper. Also if you’re going, go brave. Confidence is key. Odour too, so don’t go slight on the before-party fresh. A nice trick you can use as well is if you see a girl enjoying a wine with a guy ‘uglier’ than you, then get een. Chances are if he can tief that wine, then you can as well.

Well that’s all for now folks, and I’m satisfied and glad that I could have passed some of this knowledge on. Remember, tiefin’ a wine is an art, so don’t be afraid to put your personal spin on it, and stay positive.

By the law of averages, you will get blanked sometimes, so be a good sport, and take it with grace and just shimmy on to the next bumper. Trust me, debating a blank is as futile as arguing with a referee, so don’t be ‘that guy’. Till the next bumper, Face out.

P.S. Fellas let me know what your favourite techniques are, and girls let me know what your most hated techniques are.