The Cheating Curve. Are we less monogamous?

09 Aug The Cheating Curve. Are we less monogamous?

The concept of monogamy has always fascinated me, partly because I was raised to believe that cheating should never be a deal-breaker in a relationship. There were conditions to breaking up because of infidelity, I was told.

Men cheat; it was never going to be a matter of if – simply when, why and/ or how. Occasional one-night stands were okay; affairs were not. See unlike women, men don’t engage in sex for intimacy; it really is just about sex. So can you be upset about behaviour that can’t be helped? This, of course, is open to various arguments.

CNN.com recently featured an article titled “Monogamy unnatural for our sexy species”. In the article, psychologist Christopher Ryan argues that there is “no reason to believe monogamy comes naturally to human beings”, as  “evolutionary forces have cultivated human libido to the point where ours is arguably the most sexual species on Earth”. Given that I don’t believe there is any biological precedent per se for monogamy, I think the essence of the ongoing debate about monogamy and the relevance of institutions like marriage has more to do with socialization and personal choice.

“As we grow older and are faced with the realities of what people are really like, we lose our idealism about love and relationships”

The media buzz surrounding cheating scandals involving high-profile individuals such as former President Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock makes it all too easy to assume, however, that as a species, we are becoming less monogamous. I would argue that it is the advent of women’s lib, coupled with the ongoing relaxation of social mores related to human sexuality, and the technological revolution that has brought the issue of fidelity to the forefront of public consciousness.  A random sampling of my Facebook friends echoed this view. One person also noted that, as we grow older and are faced with the realities of what people are really like, we lose our idealism about love and relationships, and this opens us up to being less monogamous.

I grew up hearing my mother and her friends complain about the seeming inability of men to remain faithful. My mother even told me that the act of cheating itself was not grounds for divorce. Divorce was only to be considered when your husband’s infidelity caused public humiliation to the family, or if he stopped providing for your children.

Meanwhile, the rise of smart phones and social networking sites like Facebook has made it even harder to hide one’s infidelity or relationship status, regardless of what someone’s profile says. Pictures and status updates really do whisper a thousand words, or in the words of one of my guy friends, “Social networking, blackberries, droids and iPhones will be the end of cheating!”

The traditional outlook, as espoused by my mother, has never sat well with me, mainly because as a modern woman I have never thought that I should depend solely on a man to provide for our children and me. Westernized, college-educated women like myself see no need to put up with any kind of behaviour that falls outside the marriage contract – drunken misdemeanours and cheating included. Sexually liberated women like myself are also aware of the struggle to remain faithful to our chosen partner, in the face of great, physical chemistry with someone else.

“Choosing fidelity for ourselves and demanding it of our partners may not be the most natural thing to do”

We get that choosing fidelity for ourselves and demanding it of our partners may not be the most natural thing to do, yet still we believe it is possible if we align ourselves with a partner who is as committed as we are to forging a successful union. My friends, male and female, all echoed this sentiment.

Admittedly, despite such optimism, I sometimes think that such a union is near impossible to create, given that it undoubtedly requires a level of communication, patience and understanding of another and self that is rare. I say this because in my opinion it takes not only maturity, but also an acute understanding of nature’s role (inclusive of hormonal impulses and evolutionary forces) in the mating process.

I consider marriage, committed relationships and monogamy to be as much a lifestyle choice, as my decision to forego soda, junk food and excess alcohol before a race. I get cravings at times for marble cake and potato chips, and I love rum, but I know that indulging is a choice that carries consequences – some more major than others depending on my fitness goals, and where I am in my training.

A happily married author, in speaking of her union, once wrote, “to stay married we’ll doubtless have to broker new deals, and newer ones after that… till death do us part”. As a working professional, amateur athlete, and aspiring author, I make deals with my clients, my friends and myself fairly regularly, and in doing so, I weigh the pros and cons.

Too often as people we forget that there is an opportunity cost for everything.  All actions have consequences, including the decision to cheat.  Choose wisely, and you’ll never be afraid to accept the consequences.