The Most Irritating Person on Facebook Award goes to…

01 Nov The Most Irritating Person on Facebook Award goes to…

Remember when you were a child and had an imaginary friend you used to play with? Well now your imaginary friends have Facebook profiles, the once unpopular kid from primary school is now popular because he or she has the most hilarious status updates, and Shabba’s distant cousin, Peter, now has a chance at ‘picking up’ girls, because he’s found the one decent photo of himself to use as a profile pic.

Unfortunately, this turning of the tables has caused seemingly normal folk to display some very irritating behaviour on FB. My imaginary friend, Joe, helped me to select a few of these disturbing traits.

Narcissists/ Exhibitionists

For most of us, our first words were “baba”, “mama” or “dada”. Then there are the select few who couldn’t utter more than one syllable, so they settled for “me”. Unfortunately, that sort of self absorption carried over into the adult years, and now you and I are stuck with status updates that are all about what they did today, how great they are, how great they are going to be, and how great they will always be. Then there are the countless photos that they upload. It could be something as boring as the meal they had at Hakka to their granny doing the dutty wine; they literally document their entire lives, believing that we want to know all the gory details. The real irritation, though, is when they see you at an event, unleash their inner paparazzi, and then upload the photos faster than Usain Bolt.

Pretenders

You know them. They’re the ones who say, “Boy I doh ha time for Facebook. I does hardly be on; I have real tings to do”. Ummm… yeah, ’cause they’re way too cool for Facebook, right? They post a status few and far between. Some of them even have their walls blocked, so all you see is their ‘Info’ tab. Don’t be fooled. They’re like the classic cornerhouse maco who has a bushy yard, so no one can see inside, and hides behind the curtain to see what everyone else is up to.

Just because you can’t see their status, doesn’t mean they’re not looking at yours. They know what you told Tom, Dick, and Harry, which parties you’ve been to for the year, and if you’re in a relationship or looking. They even saved a copy of that embarrassing picture your friend posted for fun, just in case you take it down. So yeah, pretenders, play yuh doh be on FB macoing on a daily basis. We see you.

TMIers

Okay, so you and your boyfriend broke up two months ago, and you’re still heartbroken. We totally understand. We do. Thing is, we don’t need to hear your inner thoughts. You know, the ones that go, “But I thought he loved me. Wasn’t I good enough? If he really loved me, wouldn’t he stay?” These are things you should only say in your head, to friends, or aloud when you’re at home in a soundproof room.

I don’t know who’s worse though. The emotional ranters, or the ones who have to let you know, “I’m typing this status, while sitting on the throne, or I lost 20 pounds and now I can see my piggyleeks”. Ewwww. Way too much info.

Every time, someone posts something like this on FB, Mark Zuckerberg, rubs his hands in glee, and says: “Yes, yes, tell everybody your business, because we love seeing you embarrass yourself. Hell, it’s free entertainment, which keeps them on Facebook longer – a plus for advertisers”.

Opinion Forcers/ So Profound

Ahhhh… these people always have an opinion, even when you don’t want to hear (read) it. See, some people miss secondary school debate club so much that they take to Facebook to spar. They also believe in adopting an air of superiority, and wearing their intelligence on their sleeve. However, what they don’t realize is that not every status update requires a comment, neither does a link about Super Grover invite a profound debate about the morality of having a puppet wear a towel. It’s not debate club or a competition people. People don’t always want your opinion. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

P.S.: These are also the people who tend to take things way too personally, and end up deleting you from their friend list, because you refuse to believe that Flavourite ice cream is better than Häagen-Dazs.

Wannabe Witty

Some people walk around with a “Look at me, look at me… I’m bright” sign. Then there are those who try to be witty about even the most serious topics, and think they’re being funny. However, most times their so-called wit just shows how much of an a-hole they are. As a form of resistance to this sort of behaviour, I won’t devote any more sentences to the wannabe witties. They’ll probably post something very witty in the comment section anyway.

Insensitive

Have you seen “The Social Network”? Awesome movie. There’s a scene where Zuckerberg gets totally excited when he realizes that what people care most about is being in a relationship or seeing who’s in a relationship. I’ve come to realize that they also want to know all the gory details as to why a relationship ended. There was once a girl whose fiancé broke up with her on Facebook – poor thing didn’t see it coming; they were the perfect couple.

What got to me just a tad bit less than her fiancé’s cruelty was the numerous comments that followed the automatic update in the news feed that she was now single (since once homeboy ‘de-engaged’ her, Facebook thought everyone wanted to know). People asked why, what happened, oh my goodness, when? Half of them weren’t even her real friends. And if they cared so much, they wouldn’t further embarrass her by asking such questions on a comment thread.

Adders, but not talkers

You’ve got at least 20 of them on your friend list. They add you, but never talk to you. I imagine these are the first set of people to go, when you decide to clean up your friend list, every few months.

Mistake Facebook Friendship for Real Friendship

Some people still don’t realize that there’s a difference between your Facebook friends, and your true friends. It sounds bad, but let’s be real. Samantha, who you exchange friendly banter with every week, isn’t your friend Melissa who you grew up pitching marbles with. A few wall posts here and there don’t make you pals, or an expert on who the person really is. They make you entertainment (harsh, but true). As a matter of fact, I hardly talk to my close friends on Facebook. We use more primitive forms of communication, like phone calls and meeting up to lime.

So there you have it. Just some of the off-putting behaviour people display on Facebook. I’m sure you have your own experiences to share, so let’s ‘gets’ to sharing.

Image courtesy facebookcheating.com.

Check out the rest of this week’s issue (1/11/10, Issue 30):

• a_phake: Expressive, Eclectic, Electric
• Bullying in T&T: Jokes that Hurt
• Underappreciated? Giving Aunties and Uncles a Bligh
• Making Dreams Real: My Chelsea Experience
• Love, Lust and Drugs? The Highs and Lows of Romance