The Single Person’s Survival Kit for Valentine’s Day

14 Feb The Single Person’s Survival Kit for Valentine’s Day

I’m utterly fascinated by naïve people who, for some reason, swear that receiving a gift on Valentine’s Day is the only way to prove to everyone that they are indeed loved. I’m amazed they think a single, strong woman is deserving of their pity on V Day (as I’ve come to coin this dreaded day).

Have you ever noticed the self-satisfied smirks you may get if you do not receive flowers or chocolates or any other boring token on V Day? Which brings me to another thought. Is V Day a way for those in relationships to act or feel superior towards single people? Do they find joy in pointing out one’s perpetual single status? Or do they hope that the comparison means they are somehow better off with someone, miserable or not, rather than braving it alone?

Last year, a former friend of mine had the nerve to tell me – after I made a silly, nonchalant comment about the trappings of V Day – that I was in a mood because I had no Valentine. If you’re like any of my other friends, they all balked at that and asked me what kind of person actually says that aloud and in a public forum. If you’re perched on the edge of your seat in total anticipation as to what my reply was… it wasn’t pretty is all I’m going to divulge.

It’s as if V Day creates a cold war between single people and couples, and if you’re lucky enough to know a few people who will try to turn your happy-go-lucky approach to not receiving flowers, chocolates or an obscenely large teddy bear on said day into a day of self-pity, then you’ll know that you’ve got to psychologically prepare yourself for any onslaughts.

This year, I’m arming my single counterparts with ammunition to survive all the questions and smirks that are sent your way . If you’re in the market for ways to counteract the irritations of V Day, I’m willing to let you in on a few methods for quelling unwanted comments from overly presumptuous people. Keep in mind that I have a bit of a mean streak, so it might involve being somewhat backhanded in your retorts. Here are some scenarios:

Poor thing… you’re alone on V Day 

Friend or co-worker: “What? (insert incredulous gasp here) No Valentine! Whatever are you going to do all by your lonesome?”

You: “Oh goodness no! I’ll be heading out with at least a dozen of my other single friends, and we’re going to relive scenes from “The Hangover”. Either that or sit around with my other friends and make fun of silly people who believe in V Day.”

If you can pull off sarcasm really well, you can also look around as though you have a big secret to tell, lean in closer to the offending party, using a stage whisper, say that you have a secret rendezvous with a few select, single friends and you can’t tell him/her because he/she can’t be part your super special club. Okay, that might be a bit juvenile, but come on, you’re talking to people who coo over stuffed animals!

Speaking of stuffed animals, perhaps you can channel your frustration by stuffed-toy-napping and ransoming off one of your friends/coworkers teddy/dog/kitten/bear/whatever. That’d sure get them to stop asking you about V Day.

Gift show offs 

Friend or co-worker: *Skips over excitedly and shoves whatever fluff she got for V Day (Do men do this too? I doubt.*

You: “Oh how pretty! I saw that on sale the other day. Buy two, get one free! Did you get just the one?” *Smile innocently when you say this.*

Maccos

*Friends or coworkers who persistently ask about your love life, and other personal questions year round and especially on V Day.*

Rumour is Cupid isn’t that fond of fas’ people. So he probably won’t hold it against you, if you do any of the following to deal with this situation.

a. You admit sheepishly that you’re so overwhelmed by potential suitors that you have to schedule your dates months in advance. Embellish everything – hand gestures, facial expressions and don’t forget to smile. BIG.

b. Pretend you’re surprised that it’s V Day and say that you thought the gifts were spontaneous and actually romantic. Sigh and give an ‘oh you poor thing’ hand squeeze, and you might just annoy that person enough to make her go away.

or

c. Say you just met the most amazing guy and point out how thankful you are that he’s nothing like your inquisitor’s own boyfriend. Try to ignore her fish-mouth expression (the opening and closing with no sound coming out look). Then turn back to your workstation and start typing away!

Take charge of your V Day plans

Now that we’ve dealt with how to handle some of the pesky scenarios, let’s get more prescriptive. Never forget that single women hold a lot more power than they realise. What’s so wrong in asking a guy to be your Valentine for a change? I know a few guys who would love to be chased (they can be just as bad as some girls), and who knows, it could be the best V Day ever!

An easier way to get through V Day, especially if you know you’ll be perturbed by the sight of couples putting on way too many public displays of affection, might also be to use your social networking applications for good and maybe start a club for singles on V Day, or vow to banish any thoughts or feelings of inadequacies with tequila, gin, or my favourite, Coca Cola.

There is no rule that says that you can’t enjoy V Day as a single girl (or guy), with your single girlfriends and even guy friends. Raucous laughter, spontaneous karaoke – somehow I see tipsy, off-key singing in this scenario – and good food might just make you forget that you’re trying to forget that it’s V Day.

You may wholeheartedly agree (you get a gold star!) or find my views full of disdain (that means you’re a V Day sap! I say it with love. Ha ha!), but I’m hoping that they’ll help a few people to survive this year’s 24-hour reminder of how easy it is for people to get caught up in commercial holidays, rather than keeping in mind that material things don’t count.

What we all sometimes forget is that Valentine’s Day was a day meant for showing how much you care for your loved ones – family, friends and lovers – instead of deriving secret and not-so-secret pleasure in the misery of those who genuinely feel depressed that they don’t have a Valentine.

So, today, if Cupid convinced someone to spend their hard-earned salary on you, share the bon bons (face it, you don’t need the entire box), and give some of your roses to those who didn’t receive anything (it saves you from lugging them home). If you’re not on the receiving end, buy a box of goodies and share with others (just for the hell of it). I assure you, single or taken, people will look at you in a different light – hopefully not unflattering, fluorescent light – and you just might make it through the day unscathed.