Things not to say at a Christmas Lime

05 Dec Things not to say at a Christmas Lime

Season’s Greetings… with shadon beni and thyme.

Christmas is right around the corner, and I wish you nothing but the best pastelles, black cake, ham, ponche crème, and whatever else hits your G spot.

‘G’ is for gastronomic people. (I’m gonna tell Santa allyuh minds dutty, and let him give me allyuh gifts.) I also wish for you to avoid getting a hard tap or Epsom’s salt in yuh food for putting yuh foot in yuh mouth this season.

See…as we palance with family and friends to make merry, stuff our guts, and drive dong de road pongin’ Parang like a sentimental gunta, our tongues get loose either out of sheer joy or TMA (too much alcohol). We say things that mightn’t be a big deal to us, but may irritate others.

Whether it’s a house lime or work party, there are some cardinal sins to stay away from this season – either to save yuh from looking like the less appreciated relative of reindeers (an ass), or being automatically uninvited from future limes.

Let’s start with some of the common crimes.

Buh how dis lime buss so?

No people. Doh say this as you walk in de door, and realise de place dead. Just start making jokes, be jolly, and smile with the host who’s silently praying that guests show up soon. But allyuh is Trinis, and know how to remedy this situation in the first place, right?

If de lime startin’ 7 p.m., and yuh reach 8, doh study an empty scene. Yuh know people reaching 9 and after. So arrive fashionably late, but early enough so the food and drinks eh done by the time you reach. Hug your host, and say, “Merry Christmas”.

And don’t ask…

What kinda stale music is dis?

I know some of allyuh can’t handle more than three Parang consecutively, neither do you want to hear Kelwyn Hutcheon’s Christmas classics. However… and I repeat… however, doh play yuh is a deejay, and try to take over de show. Ride it out for ten minutes, and den bawl, “DJ take a request for meh nah. I wanna hear (insert yuh preferred song). Dais meh jam. No guava.”

See the psychology there? You can still be true to your taste, but not insult people. Anybody who does that in my house will get one steups, two head rolls, and a huge loudmouth from me. Consider yourselves warned friends and famlee.

I going to anudda lime later

That’s just rude. Yuh already diss yuh host, and yuh actin’ like yuh have somewhere better to be? Okay, maybe you do, but don’t flaunt it, and make the other guests feel as if they don’t have a life…because this is probably the only lime they got invited to for the season.

Wanna go under de bougainvillea or poinsettia wid me?

Allyuh doh wish yuh could just go and hold ah piece ah grass over somebody head, and say, “Lewwe kiss up nah?” I actually promoting the use of this line, ‘cause I know a six-foot-plus man I plan to use this on.  He not reading this right now, so it go still be a surprise.

“I’m an atheist” 

Oh gosh look how de DJ almost spit some sorrel on de turntables (notice his reaction wasn’t as drastic when you dissed his music).

Atheists, this is not the month to attempt to rain on someone’s parade. Saying you don’t believe in God is far worse than saying there’s no Santa.

Regardless of whether you call it Xmas, or make sarcastic comments on Christians’ and Christmas lovers’ Facebook status updates, there’s no running away from the fact that Jesus is the reason for the season.

Dis food not tastin’ good 

As someone who loves her belly, I hate to go by people who cyah cook, and, worse yet, FEEL dey’s a big cook.

We all take pride in arriving at a house lime with a flattish stomach, and leaving looking three months pregnant. So I know how disappointed you feel, when you dress in your best to go by Sheila, rub yuh belly when yuh reach, and then want to spit out the tasteless pelau, and way-too-thin pastelles she put in front of you.

People who make you go through that torture should be tied to a sorrel tree on a rainy, cold, December night, and have their taste buds scraped by a spranger.

Still, doh bawl out, “How dis food dry so?” and squinch up yuh face, like yuh suck a lemon. Mind yuh manners. And if the food and drink is acceptable, don’t declare, “Dis black cake tastin’ good, but mine better” either.

Go in a corner and shoo shoo wit’ yuh friend. Ah sure you learn how to badtalk people on a low.

Oh gosh, is all dat food on yuh plate?

Christmas is equal opportunity time to be a glutton. Doh hate. Participate.

Doh ‘call out’ people for showing the hosts that they truly appreciate their hospitality, and have no intentions of making them feel as if they waste dey time standing in a long-ass line in de grocery, and slaving over a pot to hit your G spot. (If your mind still went into the gutter, Santa is definitely giving me your gifts.)

Aye aye, but like yuh put on some weight?

Okay. So Yvonne is definitely not lookin’ good in that jersey dress she paid at least $500 for in the mall. The salesgirl probably told her she looked hotta dan fyah, and her friend who accompanied her to make the purchase probably pretended an eyelash was in her eye… so that she couldn’t give an honest opinion.

While you want to end the year on an honest note, a lime is not de time to make anyone feel fat. (And doh ask anybody if they use their bonus to put in a wack weave either.)

You know how depressing it is to know you already fat, you going to get fatter by the end of the Christmas season, and that all eyes are now on yuh waistline? Plus… regardless of how much you try to suck it in, it still looks like Blaze in a tighter-dan-tight T shirt, or, on the extreme end, Sprangalang?

It’s Christmas people. Be kind. Tact is a gift that only you can give yourself.

All of us have probably committed these sins at some point in time, and hopefully it wasn’t at just the moment when the music lowered, and everyone turned to look at us. Tis’ the season to be merry and all that jazz, but doh put yuh foot in yuh mouth. Every action causes a reaction, and you never know if you may be on the receiving end of these insults at your next house lime.