Too foreign for home? Back to life in T&T

09 Aug Too foreign for home? Back to life in T&T

At the age of 17, I remember turning the pages of countless New York college brochures on my mother’s office table. While flipping through the pages, I came across a film and television programme, which caught my attention, and soon after I began applying to various colleges throughout New York City.

The plan was simple: four years of college, and then return to Trinidad and Tobago. Well, things didn’t exactly go according to plan.

I started dating, grew into independence and was enjoying city life so much, that I stayed much longer than four years. Still, by the eleventh year in NYC, I knew in my heart I was not happy. So, it was homeward bound for Trinidad and Tobago.

It wasn’t too hard a decision – the US economy was crap already, and I wasn’t inspired to write or make films in New York (shocking I know). I missed my family and friends, I was unhappy in my relationship, and I was unfulfilled in my job. I needed to heal my soul, and return to my island – my Trinidad, so I did.

After the first three months or so, I knew Trinidad had definitely changed since secondary school days. Carnival is, well quite frankly, no longer a ‘local thing’. You literally have to save about TT$10,000 to have the full experience of Carnival nowadays (that would cover the costume in a popular big band all-inclusive, of course, about two all-inclusive fetes, three smaller fetes, some ‘knock-about’ money, and throw in about three hot outfits for the season). So poor little me, who used to visit and bode well on US$200 during Carnival, had to ‘suck salt’ this time ’round.

When you have lived 11 years outside an island, it shows. I was constantly saying, “Hi, and you are?” I had no clue who ‘Kes the Band’ was! Are they Trinidadian? People looked at me like I was off or something. Besides Kes, I had never heard of Nadia Batson, or Zan, and had never been to the club 51 Degrees. People… I barely knew Port-of Spain! And I grew up here for 19 years. I was a real foreigner and it showed. Things that were once familiar were now alien. Perhaps the numerous condos that suddenly appeared in West Moorings, and behind Roxy were confusing the once familiar landscape.

I got a job at a local retail store, and got my first dose of being the “foreign chick”.

People would ask, “You from America?”

“Nah, you not from Trinidad; you don’t sound Trini at all!” they would say.

Every day, like clockwork, someone would ask me where I am from. They’d even imitate how I pronounced certain words. I’ll admit, I started to feel self-conscious. Ironically, my Trini accent was mocked in New York as much as my American accent was mocked by some people here in Trinidad.

The accent thing I took in stride, but then, things started to get nasty. Co-workers would make fun of me for being creative with my outfits for work. One girl grabbed me and took me to a corner of the store. She looked at me with wild eyes asking incredulously, “Why are you wearing leggings to work?” I looked at my black leggings and black baby tee, cinched with a red belt and red converse sneakers.

“I thought it was ok?” I said.

“They are going to be upset with you,” she said to me, giving me a look of disapproval. “You can’t wear that to work. The managers are going to write you up.”

I wasted no time going to the manager and asking if my outfit was offensive. She looked me over, and quickly said no.

The teasing just got worse. I felt alienated for being and sounding different. I’d cry in the employee bathroom just to relieve the stress of being singled out (better to cry there than to smack the shit out of the ignorant fools).

I knew that I loved my country, and I was determined to succeed in Trinidad. After all, I experienced far, far worse in the States. I’ve survived being grabbed by a crackhead in Brooklyn, assaulted by two men in an elevator on my college campus, and getting evicted from my apartment – twice! Surely some petty jealousy at a store wouldn’t destroy me.

There were many things to adjust to here in Trinidad. One was the lack of places to lime. At first glance, clubbing or restaurants are pretty much it in terms of entertainment. Then I did my own research and discovered that every day there is something to do in Trinidad, from sightseeing to hiking and tours. So, I’m finding new ways to increase my entertainment options.

Dating is a challenge for me here as well. Guys would ask for my number and then suddenly disappear. One guy friend told me that I intimidate them. They see how ambitious I am and run for the hills. I don’t even want to tell you how annoyed that comment made me feel. It took about 15 months of bad dates before I met someone who I can be myself with. Ironically, he left Trinidad in his late teens, lived in the States and has returned home. Somehow dating him is easier, since we have that understanding of that ‘strange accent’ issue and feeling sometimes that you just don’t fit in.

You know, I don’t think I can ever become completely re-immersed into Trini culture. My experiences, and my travels have influenced who I am today, and I’m okay with that. Come to think of it, the experiences and travels have made me appreciate Trinidad’s unique beauty and tranquility, which I couldn’t quite find anywhere else. Like Dorothy from The Wizard of OZ once said, “There’s no place like home” (Warts and all!).