Faking Orgasms: From Sex Negative to Positive

31 Jan Faking Orgasms: From Sex Negative to Positive

So yeah homeboy, things are pretty hot and steamy between you two, and in a final squeal of bliss she collapses into a puddle beside you. Oh yeah, you da man! You just single-handedly rocked her world. Or did you?

Ever since I’ve been speaking about sex and sexuality, the most common topic I’ve been asked to touch on is fake orgasms, signalling that this is something that women are thinking about, and men may be completely clueless about… according to the women. And why shouldn’t they be? A faked orgasm is one of the biggest lies a woman can tell, and I know men do it too, but it is a lot less common.

Since I don’t have the necessary um… components to give a first-hand experience on this phenomenon, I’ve employed the help of some fine ladies who I have badgered into admitting that they have, in fact, faked it a few times. So here’s the 101 on fake orgasms.

Fellas, spotting a fake orgasm can start with the verbal communication. If she sounds bored or in agony, she may very well be bored or in agony. So while you’re working hard, and she’s like, “Oh yeah… right there…” and it’s monotone, slurred, and has a yawn or two in between, you may have to redesign your ‘signature’ moves – if you know what I mean.

Here is a little secret a bredrin of mine told me he uses to check if his partner is faking. He slips his finger back there (the other hole) when she is about to climax, and if it grabs (yeah I do mean muscles contract) his finger, then he knows she’s not faking! Haha, that’s a bit of an extreme example, and I have not tried it, but he swears it works.

It makes sense though doesn’t it? All the things that are going on in your body will give some outward physical cues – the increased blood circulation, and the contracting muscles may cause a flushing of her chest, breasts and face. Muscles in the thighs and genital area may be tense and engorged with blood because of the increase in flow there, or if all else fails, her heart will be racing.

Which brings us to the question – why even fake it? Obviously, since you’re so good-looking, you’re a god between the sheets and you seduce her mind, there’s absolutely no reason why she should be faking it. If that’s your opinion, here’s something to chew on. She would be having the time of her life, unless she doesn’t feel comfortable. Or she doesn’t know how. Or maybe she’s tired. But the number one reason I found in my unscientific poll, by a unanimous vote, is that you’re not doing it right. And by that I mean ensuring you and your partner are getting something out of it, i.e. pleasure.

Don’t worry, thanks to Carrie and her friends from “Sex and the City”, us men know now it’s not necessarily our fault. She may not know how to do it right either. But usually, if a woman can’t climax, they generally think it’s because you’re not hitting the right buttons. Communication, experimentation and practice will solve almost every reason for a fake orgasm.

Now ladies you might be wondering – what’s the big deal with faking an orgasm? I mean the porn stars do it all the time, right? So why shouldn’t you? The difference is that porn stars are actors who get paid and you’re not, or I hope not anyways. So faking an orgasm is telling your partner, “Hey this feels good, and you’re doing it right”. If you keep sending signals that “yes, this is good” over and over again, that’s counterproductive for everyone involved, as your partner’s not going to know that it’s not actually good and something needs to change, and you end up being bitter (if you’re not already).

So if you wanna end the faking, you’re gonna have to talk about it. Yes, you have to, but make sure that whenever you decide to approach the topic you’re not in bed or in any sort of sexual scenario. Take it far, far away from the bedroom, kitchen counter, the bush in the backyard, or… well, you get my drift.

I know there are a few (or many) of you who would be saying, “Talking to my partner about sex? Ridiculous!” Fear not, here’s an example of how to get the ball rolling.

If you’re the faker, try something along these lines:

“I want to be totally honest with you – not to hurt your feelings, but to enhance our sex life. Ummm… I’ve been faking orgasms lately and I just want us to work on it together so that I don’t do that anymore.”

“Honestly sex hasn’t been good for me lately, and I think it’s because of (offer your own personal insight here). Do you think we could try (insert solution here)?”

Or, if all else fails, you think you could risk coming totally ‘clean’ and direct, and hope they think it’s cute!

Guys, if you think your partner’s faking, ere are a few more practical ways to approach the subject: “What do you think about faking orgasms?” Depending how that goes, you can lead into, “Is there anything I can do when we’re in bed to make sex better for you? I could be wrong, but sometimes I get the feeling that you don’t enjoy sex as much as you convey (be sure to use a lot of “I” statements here; explain your perspective).”

“Am I completely off there, do you like it when I (insert your favourite kinky thing to do here), or would you prefer if I (insert that idea you saw in that magazine that said ‘…all women love this’)?”

You don’t have to use these exact words, but as long as you’re open, honest, tactful, and not pointing fingers, it’ll be okay.

Even though it may look like something superficial, faking an orgasm is not a favour to yourself or your partner. Remember, it’s all in the communication… baby. Can’t expect something to be fixed if no one knows it’s broke. When it comes to communicating with your partner, openness, honesty, and the occasional “Can I put my finger there?” can go a long, long way into turning that monotonous “oh yeah” into real screams and squeals. Stay sex positive, guys.

Image credit: highereducation.tumblr.com